On raising kids in a globalized world...

These days, it's almost fashionable for American parents to feel fear for their kids. Fear for not pushing their kids hard enough. Fear for not having enough extracurricular activities (sports, music). Fear for the kids not having enrolled on sufficient advanced placement classes to jostle their way into one of the Ivy Leagues. Fear for the kids losing out and not being able to compete in the globalized world.

And why not.

Many parents themselves have struggled with the same fear for themselves, not the least due to their own job being outsourced and offshored to another lower-cost country like India and Eastern Europe (for high tech jobs), and China (for manufacturing, of course). The parents themselves have been unable to stem this tide of job loss, and hope their kids would not suffer the same fate (not to mention, excel in this global rat race).

Americans used to have big ego, and rightfully so. The whole world seems to gravitate around them. US is the single largest economy (and consumers) in the world. It has high paying jobs. It has the deepest and most liquid financial markets. USD is global currency. Everyone has to learn English in order to keep up with it. Americans are kings and princelings.

How time has changed. The Great Recession that was brought on by the subprime mortgage mess starting in 2008 has brought the greatest economy to its knee, and no one has any freaking clue how to fix it. Washington (White House and Congress alike) is paralyzed on how best to handle it. Meanwhile, the debt ceiling is nigh, and all we hear is the bickering on whether and how to increase the debt ceiling so that US government (and Americans) can continue borrowing. No matter that credit agency threatens the same treatment to US treasury (ie. downgrade) as the Greek sovereign debts have suffered. All these must have brought on an incredible amount of self-doubt and soul-searching among alot of Americans, even though politicians are unable or unwilling to do so.

Add to that is the rise of Dragon in the East - that great big middle kingdom that only a few centuries ago, had the same belief that it too was the center of the universe (hence, the name middle kingdom). Indeed, the more than meteoric rise to economic power in just a few short decades since Deng Xiaoping opened its door to the outside world, is nothing to snort about. No matter that China can and has borrowed hugely from the lessons learnt by the western world in the hard way, and can take/borrow/coerce the technological know-how from the West to perfect its industries (including manufacturing and financial).

And then there is the so-called Tiger Mom book that claims to have found the exact recipe to rearing the perfect student ripe for Ivy League. It matters little, that it's the mother who was doing all the choosing ("kid, you are doing violin") and pushing (how about 4 hours violin practice every night) and thinking (you're going to apply to Harvard). No doubt it'll churn out technocrats. Afterall, just looking at the huge number of university graduates with technical degrees in China and India is enough to give any American parents shudder, if not an outright cold.

Equally ironic is the almost action-and-reaction kind of New Yorker column of JT Tran on the bamboo ceiling. The hard question to ask, and the cold reality to face, is, what happens to the straight-A, Ivy League kiddo graduates from parental wings, to reeeeally compete in this globalized world. While some people don't want to admit it, or acknowledge that he has hit on an equally raw nerve of Asian Americans, even second and subsequent generations, that there's this unseen, untalked of, bamboo ceiling that they have to break through. No violin lesson, or Ivy League diploma, is going to give cover to sonny for too long. Afterall, there's only one Yo Yo Ma. (No, Lang Lang is more a loud performer than a true pianist.) Can the kids really think for themselves? Can the Amy Chua kids do that?

These days too, it's fashionable to get johnnys or marys Mandarin-speaking nanny. Full immersion. Kids have to learn Mandarin to succeed in this global world! Much as learning Japanese was fashionable, 30 years before. And why not, Japan was on its way to overtake America in every conceivable ways. If you don't learn Japanese, you can't compete. It's not cheap doing all these full immersion thing of course, but parents have to make do.

For those who have even more resources, you have to relocate your butts to the East. Full immersion to the language is not enough. Full immersion to the culture is the key, as we're told.

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I always look at all these with mild amusement. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for quite a number of the propositions. Learning a second language is always a good thing. Knowing different cultures is even better. I, too, have two young kids who would one day join this global rat race. I would be lying if I say I don't give a damn. I certainly do; but with my own flavor.

I grew up in a highly homogeneous society in Asia. We learn English early on, but learning a language without understanding the culture is like perfecting the skills of reciting A-Z, without knowing how to use that to make meaningful words with the letters. My parents are not highly educated. While they have high expectations for us the kids to do well in school, they never push us to do any extracurricular activities. I master my English because I find the language interesting, and it's a medium that I went on to master other more interesting stuffs (watching sitcoms - ha!). But it wasn't until I started schooling in a western country (on my own initiative) that I was forced to learn more of the actual culture, not just the manufactured ones from Hollywood or MTV. I went on to work in four different continents in high tech jobs for the past 20 years. I won't say I'm successful in mastering this globalized world, but I'd say, I'm fairly comfortable going from one country (and culture) to another with ease.

My parents never push me to do any of these. I follow my interests, and life takes interesting turn. The closest description to that, is the connecting the dots comments by Steve Job's immensely insightful and inspiring commencement speech at Stanford. As he so precisely nailed it, you can't connect the dots looking forward (as the Amy Chua types would want to have you believe that she can). It's when you look back that you can connect the dots. I know exactly what Jobs meant by that, because looking back, it's as if by God's providence, that I would do this and that in my life. In fact, I too had taken a couple of years of sojourn working different jobs before going back to college to study computer science. While it might feel as if I've lost (and wasted) those couple of years in career building, I feel that those early years of work have allowed me to see things differently, an almost different perspective on the highly organized things of 0's and 1's binary facts in computer science. I was much more grounded. And I was able to build my later life and work, leveraging on those early years too.

The difficulty (and a life challenge, no less) of child rearing is that, you can't tell the kids what to love and not love. I find it almost sad, that parents would pave an exacting path for their kids to follow. In the Asian world of childrearing, particularly in this competitive globalized world, Asian parents (I should say, parents in Asia) do not allow any margin of errors. I understand the tug and pull, and the inherent contradictions of that, because looking at my extended families in Asia now, with nephews around the same age as my young kids, I can see how much more pressure that they're under. Homework and practice for 4-6 hours every night (excluding dinner time) are not uncommon. That's what it takes to have a robo-serial standardized test buster. Kids are taught not to think, not even feel, but just do. That's what it takes to solve as many equations within a 5 minutes cramp. It drills into you.

When I look back at articles like this one, that talks about immersing kids in the culture. I sometimes secretly wonder, what kind of identity would the kid has of him/herself. It goes back to my own experience, and the self-doubt and searching of one's own identity in shifting cultures. I can tell you that, if I have not had those few years of sojourn, I would not have been as sure of myself, of who I am. Sometimes blending in - the more clinical term for it, is assimilation into a society and culture - is good; it's even necessary. But if you're not sure of yourself; if you don't even know who you are or what you're made of, you'll become another drifter.

From time to time, I wish I could teach the kids the kind of experience that I've immersed in, to learn different cultures, to experience life, while at the same time, pursuing a fruitful career. But I don't want to choose for them. I've made a conscientious decision, that I would allow them exposure to as many activities as they fancy, and let them choose. After that, it's their life they have to decide; it's their life they need to lead.

It's sad that, so many have been taken in by the Amy Chua style parenting, as if it's gospel. It's equally sad for others to rebuff her in a knee-jerk reaction, saying they'll let their kids do whatever they want. Therein lies the issue. As parents, we're not supposed to just let kids do whatever. But neither should we restrict them so much that there's no room for them to choose, let alone think for themselves.

It's a fine balance that each parent has to find, in order to get to that nirvana of controlled chaos. I'm still learning that with my kids, and each day is a bright new day (as my son puts it).

On name change and marriage...

I respect customs and traditions of other cultures, much as I expect others to respect mine. But that doesn't lessen the absurdity that I sometimes secretly feel about some of the practices. Name change of the bride after marriage to match that of her husband is one of those.

In Asia, no one expects the woman to change her name upon marriage. Like the Chinese, people would call you Mrs so-and-so (the husband's last name), or add the Husband last name to the full name of the wife. But it's all that's for - during greetings and social interactions. Nothing is necessary on papers.

My first encounter on how strongly the West feels about this issue was some years back, when a friend of mine was getting married. She's marrying to an very open-minded guy. She wanted to keep her last name; he had no problem with that at all. But of course, there's always problem. And the problem was the in-laws (to be). Both in-laws felt so strongly that their future daughter-in-law was to carry their family name, that they refused to attend their wedding. In fact, the in-laws even threatened to disown the son for marrying a woman who wouldn't change her last name to bear the husband's last name. The in-laws and the son had stopped all communications.

Both being grad students at an Ivy League at the time, the couple didn't agree with the in-laws. The guy sided with the wife. They decided to live their own life. The way the husband saw it was that, he felt no animosity against his own parents, but he didn't agree with their position. He said, they (his parents) would just have to deal with it, because this is his wife, not theirs. If they wanted to make up, they know how to find him (he's studying/working on campus anyways). If not, so be it.

Such as the way it should be.

So, this morning, when I read this column on Wall Street Journal about the big fuss of name change again, that incident of my friend came rushing back to me. Almost two decades later, it still baffles me.

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Perhaps I was lucky not to have to confront with such issues. I do have some appreciation on how much a hassle a name change involves.

I've always kept the same name that my parents gave me. I always thought, this is the name my parents gave me, and this is who I am. Socially, people know me by my English name, but on papers, I've always kept my ethnic name. That does come with its own difficulty. My ethnic name is rather hard to pronounce, and others always mistake my name as a guy's name. I always find it amusing, when I see mass-marketers mix-and-match my name and my husband's name this way and that, butchering us to make up one identities. Sometimes, he would have my last name; sometimes, I would have his last name; sometimes, my middle name (from my ethnic name) would become my first or last name; same goes with my husband. I don't care about junk mails, but when it's things like tax records, or bank details, and some such, it's not so funny.

Finally, couple of years ago, I decided to bite the bullet. Rather than having someone butchered my name for me, I would add some clarity to it. After using my English informally (or sometimes doing double-quote my English name, to denote it as my nickname) for more than two decades now, I've decided that this name should become part of my permanent fixture. I've decided to take it up as English name, then putting my regular ethnic name as my middle name, and my last name would stay the same. My parents have no issue with it at all. My husband is all for it.

One morning, I went to the City Hall to enquire about it, and was referred to the court house (where all the personal and public records were kept). When I announced my intention to change name (which I thought should be fairly straightforward) to the clerk, she asked me if I filled out the form yet. I said no; and was given a fairly simple form to fill...except that it requires the signature of my husband!!! I asked the clerk, why do I need my husband's signature (ie. approval) for a name change. I was told, that's the law - when a married woman wants a name change, it has to have the husband's signature (as if he's her legal guardian or something). I asked her, would the husband need the wife's signature if he changes his name? The answer was no.

I must tell you, I'm more than mildly annoyed about this. I'm an adult with good standing on my own right. Why do I need to get someone else's signature to signify my actions, one way or the other, simply because I'm married to a man? I took the form and went home. I was still seething about the injustice of it, on how men and women are treated.

While my husband understands and sympathizes it all, his philosophy is, let's get it over and done with, then we won't have to worry about it, even though it won't solve any of the underlying injustice, which is a fight for another day.

I finally relented, signed the damn form, with the grudging approval seal of husband's signature on it. The rest went through relatively painlessly. I submitted the signed form, paid the small fee, and got the name change certificate rightaway. To be sure, there're hassles to be had (ie. change all the names on ALL the documents and papers). All in all, it probably took me close to a year, before I finally change my name on everything, including some obscure docs that I rarely remember.

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Looking back, I won't force the requirement of name change on anyone at all. To the customs and traditions of bride taking up the groom's last name, I'd say, it's long overdue to update such outdated customs. There is no need to "brand" the wife in such offensive way as to claim her as his. If the wife wants to be branded, fine; if not, it should be her personal choice. No one should ever be forced upon to make such decision as to change one's own identity. Period.

On cutting my own hair...

I used to have long hair way back when, but I've long given up on it after my first child was born. I don't have time to deal with it. Plus I don't need guys to look at or compliment my long straight jet black hair. I wish I have come to realize the big market (and needs) for selling or donating hair since my hair used to garner so much compliment that I wish I have found better use of the hair after they were cut. It's too late now. Still, I love my short hair. It's one of the best things I've discovered. I don't even need to comb my hair. I don't have to worry about strong wind blowing this way and that, and I forget to bring my scrunchie to tie up my hair. Yes, the compliments were nice, but I've come to appreciate efficiency and convenience much more. Plus, I don't need guys looking at me anymore. Leave that to the younger women. :)

Don't get me wrong, my long hair never gave me much hassle. I never need to use hairdryer, and I never really need to comb or brush it. Afterall, the weight of the hair itself and the natural straightness would ensure it that once the hair is dried, they just came straight down my back. I only comb my hair when I like to play with my hair. I must admit it too, that there are so many more ways to play with one's hair - tie it up this way and that, french braid, ponytail, pigtail, bun, all up or separate sideway, add to those the variety of scrunchies and clips and headbands, the possibilities are endless. Ah, how I miss those, but I don't have time for them anymore.

I don't know about you, but I've always had a haircut problem. I need a haircut every three months or so. With the short hair now, three months are about the most I can stretch it out to. I can't even begin to count how many hair salons I've tried, but rarely do they cut it to my liking. What most hair stylists fail to see it from my perspective is that, I want my hair to be really short. These days, with the pixie cut back in vogue, it at least makes it easier to explain the kind of layering I want it. Still, pixie cut is still too long for me in the back and on the side. Most stylists can't possibly give me a boy cut, but that's much closer to what I want than they are willing to deliver. While I understand their concerns (since there's no turning back, should they cut my hair too short, and I could get very upset with them), it doesn't lessen the frustration.

And so, it was almost a godsend to discover this hair salon near chinatown, where two male salonists provide haircuts to men and women alike. I have come to like my back to be cut using razors. Having said that, the haircuts were never exactly perfect. In particular, the spots above the ears were always insufficiently thinned, so that I always have to do some trimming afterwards. Still, this hair salon was the closest I could find that gave a haircut I want, so I stick with them.

The other problem with this hair salon was that, I don't live anywhere near chinatown, so every three months, I had to make special trips to chinatown to get my haircuts over the weekends. Funny thing is, weekends were always either very busy, or very quiet. When it's busy, the waiting time was long. When it's quiet, all there were left in the shop were the assistants who did only hair wash and sweeping floor. I'd had my fair share of angst, when I got to the hair salon, and was quickly shoved through the hair wash, waiting for hours for the salonists to show up. Their rationale must be that, once customers got their hair all wet, they became captive audience and would have to wait, no matter what.

Parking is such a pain in chinatown. I drag the prospect every time when it's close to the haircut time because it could mean I would get not only a haircut, but a parking ticket as well.

So then, earlier this year, the awakening was finally here. I took the train to the city (since I didn't want to drive and have to find parking), walked to chinatown, just to discover the shock that the hair salon had closed down. It must have been around for more than ten years now. I thought their business was ok; I guess it's not good enough.

I dragged my feet back home with such heavy heart. You can't imagine the drag I was going through, and the prospect that I have to go through the same looking-and-searching and trial-and-error, in order to find any hair salon. I was quite fed up with it.

I did some thinking when I got home. I have become quite determined that I don't want to be held hostage by that again, that I can get a perfect haircut, whenever I want it. I think back to how the guys cut my hair, and ask myself, is there anything I can (or cannot do). I go to google and youtube to check how people do it. Some of the very professional looking salonists disgust me because their hands and scissors move about so furiously fast that I know I could never do on my own head. But then, the now defunct hair salonists in chinatown were never that fast, and they did my short haircut ok; hence, I've come to rest on the comfort that if the chinatown guys could do it, I should be able to do too. I know I won't be able to use razors, so I look online for alternatives.

One thing I distinctly remember was how the chinatown guys thin and layer my hair using a pair of shear scissors, yet so little hair came off in each cut. I have a pair of shear scissors at home too, but each cut always see large chunks of hair coming off with it. I realize it must be a different kind of shear scissors than mine. And then, I found the online forum with people having the same issue. The cause? The salonists were using double-shear whereas I was using single-shear scissors. Double-shear scissors cut far less hair in each cut, allowing much easier and more time for trimming, thinning, and layering. I went to ebay and bought a pair of double-shear scisorrs, and was waiting for it with trepidation.

When the pair of double-shear scissors finally arrives, I handle it with such apprehension. My 1-2 weeks of wait time were cutting close, and I was pass the three months' mark and needed a haircut badly. So, one night, after dinner, I locked myself in the bathroom. With a mirror in front of me, armed with a few pairs of scissors (single-shear, double-shear, straight blade), a comb, another hand-held mirror for checking the back of my hair, with even duster and dustpan for cleanup, I was quite determined that, one way or the other, hair will come off. I had to strip (as my arms needed to raise during the cutting) first, then sat straight on a low-back chair, and stared at myself in the mirror.

And cut, I did. With the double-shear in my right hand, my left hand started feeling the back tentatively. I could easily find the lower back of my hair where it needed thinning and layering very badly. That's where I would start. After a few cuts, I became much more confident, since the double-shear scissors indeed cut much less hair than the single-shears. The layering felt right to my left hand after the few cuts. It bears out with verifying by two mirrors, one in front and one from the back. I realized then, that I have a winner.

In the end, I got the perfect haircut that I've always been wanting. I can't believe my own eyes. :) Granted that the chinatown guys could finish the job in less than 10 minutes, and it took me over an hour. It's quite tiring. But I can't tell you how much satisfaction I've got when it's all done. I finally, finally find my perfect short haircut, that I can have it whenever I want it. For all that, it's free!!! You can't beat that.

Secretly, I know my family has the brave side in us all. Back then my younger sister had the same courage to cut her own hair too. (She also had a short haircut in high school.) When I told her about my endeavor, she told me, her motivation was exactly the same as mine. She was kind of forced into it, since she couldn't find anyone or anywhere who could give her a haircut that she wanted.

So, now, I'm free. I won't be held hostage to a less than perfect service. I won't need to make trips to the hair salon every three months for my pilgrimage. And it costs me nothing. Now, I can give myself small trims every now and then. I won't have to wait until the hair gets in my eyes or neck, which gets me so worked up that I would endure another trip to chinatown because the hair annoyance outweighs convenience. I won't have to make such decisions anymore. I was so proud of myself, for the rather professional looking haircut.

It's so awesome.

On the recent price hike of Netflix...

I've been with Netflix for some seven years now. It's been a fun ride. I got tired of having to physically go to DVD stores for rental and returns; the late fees were even more tiresome. I guess they have to make their money somewhere.

Netflix has been reasonable. The delivery and processing are fast. If I time it right, I usually get new DVD in the mail every other day. Not bad, aye. Netflix has always been laser-focused on what their core competency is. I like it that they don't get distracted by all the social networking hype. Heck, they even got rid of their community feature which got alot of subscribers mad. But I don't mind it at all. Afterall, I keep my movie queues, and I find the movies and TV shows and documentaries I like. I have little care about anyone else. The recommendation engine by Netflix is decent. So, I can't complain. In fact, Netflix has been quite fair-minded. There were a few occasions in which the Netflix website was down, and I got refund even without prompting. I can tell you, that's a rarity in the corporate world. Try telling that to the big telco; my calls get dropped from time to time, and my complaints won't even get answered satisfactorily by their support, and you can very much forget about refund.

Not sure if you know the background of the recent spat of Netflix users. A little while back (it might have been a year or so ago), Netflix wants to jostle its way into online streaming. It aggressively expands its online streaming catalog, steadily improves the streaming quality. Any subscribers can get the online streaming for free. Netflix has become such a force to behold, that movie studios and cable companies must be trembling with fear.

So then, yesterday I got email notifications from Netflix, saying that they have decided to split the DVD rental service with online streaming. In short, no more free lunch. In the parlour of Google, no more beta version of the real thing. With it, comes price change. I've been on the cheapest plan, $9.99 a month for unlimited DVD, one DVD at a time. With the split, my DVD only plan would actually see price reduced to $7.99 a month. But for those people who want online streaming too - those who would scream "I WANT TO SEE IT NOW!" no doubt - they'll have to fork out another $7.99 a month for the streaming-only subscription.

To be sure, I've become a bit spoilt and pampered by Netflix with its free lunch. Granted that its DVD catalog and streaming catalog are quite different. As much as Netflix has tried to paint that picture, you can most likely find only old movies and TV shows on its streaming catalog. No doubt the movie studios will see to it, that Netflix doesn't get the streaming rights of the latest and greatest movies just hot off the theatre. For me, I like classics, old movies, and documentaries. So, the online streaming free lunch allows me to watch it on my laptop whenever I get bored from work. I'm a patient person; I can still wait for the DVD for latest movies in the mail. I have no problem with that.

Apparently, once something is given out for free, people take it for granted, like it's their birthright. Such is the case with the ferocious attacks to Netflix about its price change, or pseudo price hike of some 60%, as they see it, since they would have to pay double (for 2 plans, one for DVD, one for streaming) instead of just one plan.

I find it all rather amusing. For all the threats of defecting and cancelation of their Netflix subscription, I wonder how many of those would actually carry it through. Afterall, if they have been on the cheapest plan (like I do, paying $9.99 a month), the price change would mean ($7.99 x 2) - $9.99, which comes down to an extra $5.99 a month. If they truly love the streaming service, is $5.99 really that big a deal? Most people pay more than that to buy chips or snacks or even coffee. This is perhaps the biggest cheapskate in my most recent memory.

Price change or not, I'm actually rather secretly glad about this split of subscription plans. The DVD-only plan has worked quite well for me. It's delay gratification; in between the waiting time, I can truly focus on doing some real work (since watching movies is my main entertainment). The instant gratification from its Instant Viewing feature means that I spend more time watching movies than doing real work, which is...not good for me, and I know it. Imagine, instead of doing work or reading a book, I would watch 2-4 movies or documentaries every night. It's free afterall, and I almost feel some obligation to watch in order to get my money's worth (!!!). Twisted logic, isn't it. :)

For that very private reason of mine, I'm only too glad to oblige to Netflix, by telling Netflix that I don't really need online streaming. Yeah yeah, call me old-fashioned. I don't like or believe in social networking. And I don't really want online streaming that much afterall. As such, I change my subscription, and change it back to DVD-only, starting next month. For all that, I get price reduction (from $9.99 to $7.99 a month). All the more reason. :)

Now, I'm happy to have all my time at night again, for some work done, or a few books, or even more chitchats with family. It's a good decision for me. Thanks, Netflix. :)


PS - Granted that I'm in the top 0.001% of movie reviewer ranking on Netflix, I don't think I'll miss writing reviews too much.

On merits and stigma of vocational school...

It's always refreshing whenever one reads articles or reporting that makes senses. The New York Times article on vocational school today is one of those.

I never understand why everyone's dead set on insisting 4-year college degree for all kids - and I mean, all kids. Have those in authority ever considered the fact that not all kids are cut out to take the college track? Granted that basic literacy is fundamental to all kids, that does not equate to pushing all kids down the college path. By talking up the value proposition of 4-year college, it's synonymous to talking down all other possible alternatives, vocation and trade schools being one of those. It's a huge disservice to kids who could feel like a failure, taking the trade school path, instead of the traditional path high school to college to Wall Street job.

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This whole thing reminds me of this kid (who is now a middle-aged man) of a family friend. Some background of him is in order.

The family is solidly middle class. The father was a professional driver. Being the eldest among 5 siblings, the mother had high hopes on him. High hopes, in a sense that, she wanted him to soar from their blue collar root. She actually counseled this kid to not follow the path of trade school or vocational school, even though it's very clear all these times that he's not the academic type. She wanted him to have a white collar job, be in suit and tie, go to air-conditioned office and work without breaking a sweat. That's her ideal of the eldest son, their first-born.

In a way, I don't blame the mother. She had very little education or aspiration outside of the narrowest vision of what she saw on TV - yes, she found her inspirations for the son from TV soap opera. She did the best she could at the time.

My mom used to converse every now and then with this family. Although my mom came from similar humble roots, she's much more open-minded and pragmatic. What she saw in this kid is that, he's not the reading material, and it could be a lost cause trying to push him down the white collar path. From my mom's perspective, he could be much better off going to trade school or vocational school, acquiring a life skill that would set him to a very solid path in blue collar life. To my mom, there's no stigma in being blue collar. A good job is a good job, is a good job. I remember my mom even told his mom, "look, he could even have his own car repair shop or more!"

But his mom would have none of that for her son. In fact, there's a bit of a fall-out between the two mothers, because his mom saw my mom's counsel as nothing more than "putting his son in his place (a very blue collar one, no less)," while the children in our family are all on the path of regular college education. She wanted her son to do that too, and she saw my mom's advice (advice that was unasked for) to ill-serve her son.

Fast forward another 10 years. All children in our family finished college. Myself and all siblings are in different fields, some of us even relocate to other western countries. That sets the jealousy of this mother in high gear. Now she not only wanted her son (and other younger kids too) to not only have white collar jobs, but be able to move to other western countries. To alot of Asian families, the ability to migrate to western countries like US or Canada or Australia is an ultimate goal. They view the western countries being superior in all respects, including living environment, salary level, wealth accumulation, and more. The rise of economic power in Asia, in particular, China, and the Great Recession in the US, might have tampered their expectations. But if you ask 100 families in Asia, you would very likely find that 99+ of them want to migrate to the west, or at least have their kids received a prized education in a western country.

Looking back, I must say, I feel sorry for this son. He had tried (and failed) to live up to his mother's expectation. He narrowly graduated from high school, and found a first job in a call center. When his mother broke the news to my mom on the phone, boosting that he's working in an AC office that requires him in white shirt and slack everyday, my mom couldn't help but shake her head. Still, my mom was graceful enough to congratulate her and the son. Perhaps that's truly what his mother considered as a remarkable accomplishment, rightly or not.

But, working in a call center doesn't really require that much skill. (Not as much as car repair or electrician or plumber anyways, all of such jobs cannot be outsourced or offshored.) He was subsequently downsized, tried to go back to school and learn PC repair. His mother called up my mom, telling her that he's now in the computer business. She wanted to keep up the appearances, and talked up the possibility because at the time, I was in software development in US earning six-figure salary. When my mom told me about it, I asked her how that mother knew I was earning a six-figure salary? My mom said, I told her. I admonished my mom for doing that, not least due to imaginary and real hint of boasting about the success (or simply, "making it") of one's child, thereby tacitly encouraging the comparison of different children. I hate that.

In any event, the son got his certificate in PC repair. It's unclear if he was ever able to get in computer repair. When the financial crisis hit Asia in '97, he was downsized once again. The middle-aged son now works as a security guard. Having not too much to boast about, the mother now focuses on the youngest daughter who marries a photographer and has migrated to California. When my mom told me about it, I told her I do not want her to keep talking about her kids (ie. us) and all the things we've done, because I don't want this mother to keep pushing or expecting her kids to mimic someone else's path in life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At times, when I look back on the paths that this son has chosen, we can say with higher confidence that, should he have gone to a trade or vocational school and acquired a life skill, he would not likely be bouncing from one job to another. Like the 19-year-old mentioned in the New York Times article, if anyone (like the Obama administration) uses him as a statistics, he would have been deemed as a failure. The reality is quite far from it. This kid is able to acquire a skill that he likes, which allows him to see a brighter future in life. Success breeds success, and now he can even see himself following further degree in college, because he now has some skills to build on, some skills that the society needs. Would a traditional four-year college degree have given him that kind of satisfaction and motivation in life? I highly doubt that.

In a way, if the now middle-aged man of the family friend had had that kind of encouragement, he would likely have followed a much more satisfying life than what he has now. And no, he's not married yet, because he can't afford to start a family. How sad.

And for those in authority, who continuously talks down the viability of vocational or trade school, I'd say, shame on you. Reinforce basic literacy (math and reading) in elementray school, but that is not mutually exclusive from vocational school. Not everyone is cut out to be a hedge fund manager or Wall St type that earns millions sitting in office contributing very little in real life except moving money around. (Yes, I'm being critical or exaggerate a bit here, but let's face it, alot of fund managers and traders, particularly mediocre ones, do exactly that.) Give the kids the choice, and don't deem them as failure, because they are far from it.

On what college degree (or life choice) one should make...

In this day and age, when economy is in doldrums, everyone feels crappy. Top that up with the uncertainty and high anxiety to whatever choice in college major, and how much a college degree costs (measured in terms of student loan that one has to carry for life), that's enough to make headline news in places like Yahoo Finance, like, The College Degrees That You Have Gotten, or The Top Paying Jobs In America.

For those who are to make the choice, or to try to get in a field that might pay off in the longer term, this must've sounded all so confusing. Everyone seems to have a different ticks on things. There are also those who proclaim that College Degree Is Useless.

Although my kids are not coming of age yet, I'm forever mindful of that. Afterall, I myself am still in this life journey. Granted that you could say I luck out. I chose a field (computer science) that I like which turns out to be in high demands for the past 15 years or so. The field was also highly transportable from one country to another, allowing me to relocate with ease. I've always wondered the what-ifs, should I have chosen law or journalism instead (which were the other two fields I was considering).

But one thing is quite clear. We have to start out with something that we like. My parents, being older generations from Asia, are forever mindful of money and the payoff. (In hindsight, that's not a sole phenomenon with Asian parents alone, if we consider the amount of attention and write-up in the news of the cost-effectiveness and comparison in America.) For them, the best paying jobs are the best jobs to be had. I remember one time, my mom told me how much so-and-so's daughter is making this-and-that much, as a therapist to disabled children. I remember, my first response to my mom was, I hope she enjoys her work and truly loves working with children and helping others. I told my mom, imagine how it's like, locked in a room, most likely windowless, 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week. Fat paycheck only comes once or twice a month, but she's doing that 40+ hours a week. She'd better enjoy it, otherwise it'd be torture, no matter how much it's paid. That response gave a 15-second pause to my mom; to that, she replied, "you're probably right." Mind you, my mother is a very strong-willed woman, and she doesn't admit error in judgment that easier. To her credit, she's also relatively open-minded, given her age.

I have no care about that Amy Chua's Tiger Mom thing. (And yes, I read her book, for good measure, in order to be sure I'm fair-minded to my critique about her so-called parenting which is ridiculous.) My guiding principle is that, kids need to have sufficient exposure to try different things. That way, they'll find their own interests, desire and passion, and then they follow it. When they settle on something, they'd better give their 120% to see it through. As a parent, I don't want to be making life choice for the kids (which they'll likely regret later on in life). I don't want them to make life choice based solely on immediate monetary rewards. Just ask Steve Jobs, as illustrated by his excellent 2005 commencement speech at Stanford.

But there are certain basic building blocks in life that, if not mastered early on in life, will become very hard (if at all) to be mastered as one gets older. Math proficiency is one. Science is another. Reading and writing skills are a must. Whether one follows through with a math/science degree is a different matter - that's a path that the kid makes for him/herself. But if kids don't master math/science when they're young, they basically shut out at least half of college majors that are available, and almost all the good-paying jobs these days (which is important for those who look at the salary charts to discover their path in life). The latter argument doesn't carry too much weight for me, as the former one, which is that, one has to keep all options open. In other words, be open-minded, and be prepared so that one can make whatever choice when one feels like it, without being hamstrung by the SAT.

Since my kids are still young, I really would have no clue what they would want to do. Apart from pushing them to discover their own interests (whatever that might be), do their best (and I expect the best out of them), master the basics (math/reading/writing/science), do at least one sport activity, and do at least one music. The rest they can choose.

Having said that, some kids might not find their calling early in life. Heck, some people never find their calling in their entire life (!). But I wouldn't want their life choice to be solely based on near-term monetary gains. That's just too shortsighted to me.

On the death of wristwatches...or not.

Reading the New York Times article on resurgence of wristwatches among the younger generations today brings a not-so-surprising smile to me today. While the article focuses mainly on men, the same can be said of women to a large extent from that same generations. Afterall, even one of my sisters has ditched her wristwatch more than a decade ago, though for a rather different, if not cosmetic, reason. She doesn't want her arm to be tanned with a wristwatch shadow on it. No matter.

I've stuck by my watch all these times. With the flood of all-things-digital, alot of the gadgets have consolidated. The more utilitarian, commodity-type, functions like alarm clock and calculator were long gone, and have long been incorporated into the smartphones (and the PDA's before them), for all the good reasons. Less space, less bulky gadgets that we need to carry on the road, less battery required. And, who cares about what alarm clock or calculator others use anyways?

Ah, but, wristwatches are quite a different matter. Someone once said to me, if you want to see the taste and style of a man, you only need to look at the necktie they wear and the watch on their wrist. Of course there were other discerning factors, a well-tailored suit, for example. But you can go easily go out to a tailor shop and get a tailor-made suite. Neckties and wristwatches are a different matter. They require you to go out and choose, that in and of itself show the taste and style of the man.

Times have changed. Cool jobs for men don't often require formal wear, so there goes the necktie thing. Men's fashion has become one big sloppy affair, with men dressing more and more like women (men in skinny jeans! men going to facial treatment!). As the article has rightly noted, most younger men in their 20s and even 30s grow up with electronic gadgets. They might not care much about wristwatches since all they need (games, music, phone, clock, alarms, calculator, notebook, phonebook, browser, and more) come in one tinny-tiny gadget. The logic goes, that they would never need to look back to the bygone days for things like vinyl record players, walkman, and some such. It was due time to declare death of wristwatches.

Call me old-fashioned. I like wristwatches. I always have. While I can't think in the men's shoes, I can't say I would give up my wristwatch for my smartphone. True, strictly speaking, I don't need my watch since I won't leave home without my smartphone. But my watch is much much more than just for telling time. My watch is about the only thing that truly follows me since it's worn on my wrist (technically, so are my ring and earrings). I can't say the same about my phone. (Yes, I've lost my phone before, and it's a royal pain.) And I have always believed that my watch represents part of who I am. One other thing is, I truly enjoy the craftsmanship and beauty of a good watch. Vintage is even better.

As such, I like Patek Philippe and Rolex. I reserve the Patek for more special occasion, and Rolex and Cartier are for everyday use. My Breguet is even more special to me than Patek, and it sits mostly in my collection for my private appreciation. No cool gadget is going to beat that. They are like old friends that stay with me. You can't say the same about your iPhone or drod phone that you'll likely ditch or upgrade in less than a couple of years.

As the article has attested to it, these men in the younger generations are now coming to rediscover the coolness in wristwatches, it being a fashion in its own right. It's about time. My only question to these men is, what takes them so long to rediscover the coolness of wristwatch, dude?