On female fertility and egg freezing...

I was reading the article, with much interests, on egg freezing and how it buys time for women whose biological clock is ticking in their childbearing ability.

I got married in early 30s and have my first child in mid 30s. There was already high anxiety about the possibility of Down Syndrome, given the demarcation of pregnancy at the 35-year-old mark. I was 34 at the time. Unlike my sisters who went through pregnancy at similar timeframe in their lives, not by design, but by pure coincidence of how things turned out, and none of whom wanted to get the fetus tested for possible Down Syndrome. As Christians, they've already decided to keep the baby, no matter what. But I don't want to rely on just faith; I don't want a cruel world for my child if s/he turned out to be Down. I knew I would have terminated the pregnancy if it's turned out positive. It's a matter of pragmatism. By Providence, everything was fine.

It's not a woman's fault that she never meets the right man, marries at the prime age of 20s, has babies right after, and then starts the career path when the children come of age. No, that would be a logical path for men, but not the women. For women, everything has to happen all at once. Right after college, you'd better find a great job and move up the rank as soon as possible (so that you can call the shots); you'd better find the great guy who's great husband/father and who's supportive to your career and household chores and baby-rearing; you'd better save enough to have a home in a great school district so that you won't have to worry about moving again when the kids start schooling. Better yet, you'd better be sure you do all these before mid 30s because 40s is just round the corner and your energy level will go downhill soon (never mind what people say about 30 being the new-20, and 40 being the new-30, it's just all in appearance, when your body will tell you otherwise).

For a lot of women, things don't always happen according to plan. For some, nothing happens according to the usual script. They have to make hard choices. Do I defer looking desperately for the right guy? If I find the right guy who happens to want to be a father too, do I focus on baby-making or career-building? Can my finances support my decision? These are all hard choices.

That's why it's so maddening when I read about discussions about Can Women Have It All? I mean, hello, if all stars line up perfectly, of course you can have it all. But let's face it, how many women are really that lucky? Chelsea Clinton maybe (with no money worries, with job offers always waiting for just because of her famous last name). I don't mean to disparage or demean Clinton for her own accomplishments, which I'm sure are many, but women in her position are simply shielded from hard choices. Now, at 34, she's free to take her time off to have her baby, and then go back to work for her parents' foundation in a few years' time, all without missing a beat. That's the rare exception; not the norm.

That's why I get mad too, for women in power like Sherly Sandberg to patronize women that, if you're not getting all that you want, it's because you don't lean in enough. Giving talks and writing books about how great she's done, and "you can be like me too, if you have just spoken up some more!" Yeah right.

And I get mad too, about women who are supposed to know and understand the need for work/life balance, women in power like Marissa Mayer who are in the best position to do something about it to change the public discourse about how hard it is for women (and men) to jungle between work and life. Instead, what does she do? She bans telecommuting in Yahoo which is one of the best tools to allow employees to achieve work/life balance. Of all people, one would think a woman should know and understand this, right? Wrong. She's just tone-deaf and senseless as the next guy in suit. She would taunt the fact that she's working right from the maternity ward, she's back to her work desk right after childbirth. But of course she would conveniently omit the fact that she can have x number of au-pairs and maids to have with everything. She doesn't need to rush the newborn to daycare or go buy grocery because, oh don't worry - someone's taking care of that at home. How nice.

So, ok, let's forget about all these patronizing women (and men) on top, and focus on ourselves (which is what these women, and men, ask us to do, right?).

If a woman has not had stars lined up, and tough choices are demanded of her, what is she to do? Conception helps removing the high anxiety of unwanted pregnancy at inopportune times. Catholic church would frown on you, and conservative right would condemn you to eternal hell, but frankly, it's a godsend. Apart from dropping a few balls that she's been trying to jungle all along, one of the best tools is to buy time. With the hope for an eventual family, and lovely babies, the best (and perhaps, the only) course of action, is to freeze it's eggs. Not that this strategy is without risks, but at least it would hopefully allow a woman to achieve what she wishes for, with the critical baby decision deferred. With biological clock ticking, one has to act fast.

For those who freeze their eggs, I would say hurrah, three times over, to them. All the power to you, sisters. If my kids have not come in time, I would have done the same.

One of my sisters is a case in point. She spent her time focused on career building in her 20s and 30s. By the time she's ready, she's suddenly 40s, it seems like all the decent men are gone by then. She eventually got married in her early 40s and she wants a baby rightaway. The doctor told her that the chance of getting pregnant was remote. She would have sworn that her prayers were answered, for she found a decent buy, got married, and she miraculously got pregnant when she's 47 (right at the point when she's all ready to go for IVF). Thank goodness the kid is healthy and free from Down Syndrome, she readily admits that she sometimes feels like she doesn't have the energy to keep up with the baby all the time these days. Along the way, she gave up her career as a high-flying executive, and is now a stay-home mom. Tough choices they are: You win some (a baby, a family), you lose some (a career, a treasured and hard-won identity). Balls dropped surely as day-and-night. At least my sister has been lucky enough to be blessed with a baby she's always wanted, at such advance age that her doctor told her it's nothing short of miracle. (That's one main reason she insisted that her powerful prayer to God has everything with this.) Other women might not be as lucky.

I was lucky enough to have been able to keep building my career, with kids at home, and all. Two things have counted to our benefits. I've been able to telecommute at the most critical juncture in life when I need to stay home and watch over the kids, while doing my work; and my husband pretty much gave up his career to stay home and help. Thankfully both of us are now back on the career track, our cases are hardly the norm.

If you ask me, would I have taken the path that my sister took, by giving up my career to stay home, have kids, do chores, and be content? I would have told you a "no, I can't that" rightaway. Would I have been able to achieve it all (kids, family, career), without the stars all lined up for me? I would say "no, I don't think I could have done that, all by myself" in order to have it all.

However readily that anyone would tell women that yes, you can have it all, I would say, those people don't know what it takes to get there, not with lots of money and support.

And for those women in power who are not ready to help in a realistic and meaningful way, I would tell them readily, to just shut the f**k up, you're not helping at all. Changing their company policy to be more family-friendly, would be a good start. Writing a book or giving speeches and lectures to tell others to copy what they do, is not. Lobbying Washington to change public discourse on family-friendly policy would certainly help. Telling other women that if they don't achieve all they want it's no one's fault but their own, is not.

On thinking calm thoughts...

I'm not sure why, I think I'm getting "angrier" these days. As I get older, I'm supposed to calm down some, to take time to smell the roses, so to speak. But somehow I feel that I'm running out of time, with so much left to be done which I have wanted to achieve, that somehow I seem to be getting more impatient.

I have not realized this budding trend until the other night, when I was upset with something rather trivial. A short while later, my son came to my room, gave me a hug, and told me to "calm down, mom; you'll be happier."  And I got this counseling from my pre-teen son! It's a jolt to me back to reality.

The upside of it though, is that, I get over something fairly quickly. I don't like to linger on negative feelings, or play what-ifs in my head. In other words, I move on swiftly.

The downside is that, while I'm in the zone, I'm affecting people around me, in particular, my kids. They do know and understand me, and I (almost) always apologize afterwards for outbursts, particularly when my outbursts don't concern them. While I'm still angry, I'll walk off, and they'll let me be. After a short while, we'll get together to talk things over. 

My daughter has given me a list - a reminder of sorts - on my smartphone. Four things: watch my temper, stop swearing, be nice in general, and be more understanding. I've promised her I'll be more self-conscious of it. Now they're making money off of me, lots of it, since I promise to pay them $20 every time I swear (and I seem to swear a lot while I'm driving, road rage, probably, or general impatience/intolerance for idiotic/clueless drivers on the road).

I'm thinking, I need to sleep earlier too.

So many things to do; so little time.