I read an article on whether to tattle-tell on your best friend's cheating other half. It's an interesting problem that I have the fortune of never having to face, neither the telling or the receiving end.
I sometimes wonder why it's such a hard decision. For me, it would always have a very easy choice, for I would definitely tell my friend, should I find out that his/her other half has not been faithful. I don't think I'll ever do otherwise, of keeping my mouth shut, while watching my friend getting cheated. That has always been me.
I was, thus, a little surprised when I learnt from my kids a short while back, on their recounting how their teachers were kind of reprimanding their classmates for tattle-telling on their classmates. To me, the kids were telling the truth, and were telling the teachers that their classmates were doing something wrong. But the teachers were telling them, they shouldn't tattle-tell, which completely goes against our advocating the kids to tell the truth and speak their minds. Naturally, how the truth is told, on top of what is told, has probably had alot to do with the impression that one is tattle-telling or speaking one's mind truthfully. Still, I don't think it's right. Surprisingly, when I talk to some friends about this, they told me that's how it's like, at least in this culture (in America). One would never have this problem in Asia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And then, it occurred to me that I have not always been acting according to my own "style" (ie. speaking the truth). The incidence happened some years back, in my first job. One of the guys (let's call him G) who's on my team had been dating this girl (let's call her V) who worked in another department. The guy was divorced from his first wife who cheated on him. Eventually, his wife got custody of two boys (in grade school), married the guy whom she's been seeing. In between paying child support, and a taste in finer things in life (three piece suits, latest model fast cars, etc), he declared bankruptcy, even though his salary and he remained single was well in six figure. At the time, V considered G to be quite a catch. A few things between V and G matched, including height (both less than 5'1"), religion (Catholics), ethnicity (Italian), and jobs (decent white collar jobs). At the time when V told us that she's seeing G, we were all kind of taken aback, since G never showed much affection to V. But they're doing this dining-out-once-or-twice-a-week thing, and V thought they're going steady. V even considered going long term and serious with G, and propositioned marriage to G, which G always deferred, citing that he couldn't have annulled his first marriage. So things dragged on.
And dragged on, it did. At the time, G had been driving cross states every weekend to see his kids. We all lauded his devotion to his kids. But soon we the colleagues realized that there's more to it, even without G explicitly saying so. It turned out, G was seeing the mother of his two kids' classmates in school, who was estranged from her husband and was trying to get a divorce. G started putting her pictures all over his desk (so everyone could see...everyone except V, that is). G would portrait this new girlfriend of his as a glamorous air-hostess who could get him free companion tickets that they could fly to places.
For all of those who worked with G, we were all disgusted privately. But no one spoke up, or spoke to V, not even a hint to tell her to be more aware. All the while, V was thinking how devoted G had been, driving to another states to see his kids, when he was actually driving over to see his new gf.
2+ years came and went. His new gf's divorce was finally in place, and G decided to quit the job and moved out of state. G initiated the breakup, citing better job prospect in the other state. V again propositioned that she could go with him (and married him). G said no, again citing the fact that he could not have remarried due to the impossibility to get an annulment. After much tears from V, G was gone.
I didn't know who eventually spilled the beans, but eventually V realized that G moved and left her, not because of jobs or his kids, but because he wanted to marry another woman. Within a year, G got the annulment, and was remarried. V was utterly disillusioned. She was asking us, those who had been around both of them, of why none of us ever spoke up. One of the girls told her, we couldn't have said anything, since it's between the two of them. All we could have hoped for, was that V would one day woke up, and find out by herself. But, she never did.
The disillusionment had been hard on V. She realized G had lied to her all along (about their going steady; about the impossibility of annulment; about the impossibility of marriage). She's a modest, humble person, and she's been blaming herself for not being smarter. But one time, when a few of us girl-pals went out to chit-chat, she mentioned that she had been fooled by G, possibly because she was getting "desperate", desperate because she's in her 30s and was still single, and in her large Italian family, an old maiden is not a welcome state. Of course, we know 30s is really the new 20s, but in some culture, that would never do.
Thinking back, I know I would not have tattle-tell because I had not been very close to V, even though we worked quite closely as a team.
As an epilogue, V remarked that G was doing what his first wife did to him (ie. cheated on him), although G was the third rail, this time around. V had harbored the vengeful hope that one day, the same thing would happen to G again, and he'll go bankrupt again. That would likely be so, given that he would now have to support not two but four kids (2 from his own former marriage, and 2 from his new wife's prior marriage). That could well be so, and that would certainly be poetic justice for V.
Friday, July 31, 2009
On movies that are classic but heavy...
I was reading an opinion piece in a local newspaper, and I couldn't help smiling at myself while reading it. The writer laments on his failed attempt to aspire to movies like Rashomon that are classic but heavy. His vanity was boosted by netflix that doesn't impose due dates on DVD rentals and no late fees, though the carrying cost, in the form of monthly subscription cost, can get hefty, should he decide to keep it for long. It turns out, this writer has kept it for more than a year now, and the DVDs keep starring back at him from the dusty shelf. According to the writer too, he's not alone, based on some (unscientific) online poll.
I too have this issue sometimes, even though I watch classics and old movies all the time. I don't normally "waste" my netflix rentals, and my turnaround time is always 1-2 days. (Netflix probably loses money on regulars like me who are heavy users, but faithful.) But I would procrastinate with DVDs that are from library. Afterall, if I don't watch it, I'll just return it, and borrow it again. There's no penalty to it.
I've noticed that I've been treating the Watch-it-now queue in netflix like I treat the library DVDs. Afterall, it doesn't cost me anything. And they will always be available at a later date anyways.
That leads me to ponder on the wisdom of how economics can modify human behavior; or rather, human behavior is often adjusted to suit economic needs. I bet if I had not needed to pay for the netflix monthly, I would have treated it the same way. I've been thinking too, that if my masters program has not been this expensive (even if my employer is paying for it), and that I need grades of B+ or above in order to get reimbursed, I might not have that diligent to the class.
Humans, humans... We can be quite vain.
I too have this issue sometimes, even though I watch classics and old movies all the time. I don't normally "waste" my netflix rentals, and my turnaround time is always 1-2 days. (Netflix probably loses money on regulars like me who are heavy users, but faithful.) But I would procrastinate with DVDs that are from library. Afterall, if I don't watch it, I'll just return it, and borrow it again. There's no penalty to it.
I've noticed that I've been treating the Watch-it-now queue in netflix like I treat the library DVDs. Afterall, it doesn't cost me anything. And they will always be available at a later date anyways.
That leads me to ponder on the wisdom of how economics can modify human behavior; or rather, human behavior is often adjusted to suit economic needs. I bet if I had not needed to pay for the netflix monthly, I would have treated it the same way. I've been thinking too, that if my masters program has not been this expensive (even if my employer is paying for it), and that I need grades of B+ or above in order to get reimbursed, I might not have that diligent to the class.
Humans, humans... We can be quite vain.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
On upromise and market performance...
I've been a member with UPromise since 2001. I always thought the idea is great. While it's just another rewards program, there's no limitation on how much you can earn, and you can earn cash back to your account from a garden variety of purchases, including grocery, dining out, gas, and what-have-you. With the balance, I can direct it to 529s for my kids.
Of course, as in almost everything in life, there's always a catch. Back when I started out with upromise, 529s were all the rage. It sounds good, reasonable and flexible enough. I contribute to 529s for the kids' future education, which grows tax free.
So, I signed up, and over the years, I've accumulated a modest balance with upromise. I never did anything with the balance, or directed it to any 529s after I read the fine prints. That's because the choice of 529s from upromise was (and still is) so limited, and the fees are so high, that I don't think it'll ever worth the effort. Since my purchase never contributes significant amount to upromise year on year, I reckon just the account maintenance fees of those 529s alone are enough to wipe me out in a few years.
The balance continues to sit there, with occasional injection from purchases from supermarkets. I used to have a upromise credit card that gave me 1% contribution to the balance, but since I've decided that I'm not going to do anything with this balance, I canceled the upromise credit card, and got another credit card that gives me 1%-5% cash back (yes, cash!).
As the financial market unfolds (since the subprime mortgage mess brought everything to its knees), I'm somewhat taken by surprise the silver lining in it all. As I watch my 401k (and the broader stock markets) lost 50-60% of the value, it dawns on me that, it turns out to be a very good decision not to have invested my upromise balance to the 529s. If I had invested the balance, not only will I have to feed the 529 funds with account fees, but I would have lost at least 50% of that balance. Some nine years on, it turns out that, I was winning out by not investing and sitting on my hands (and cash), however modest the balance might be.
I'm sure upromise loves me though. I let them keep my money, with no interest paid to me.
Of course, as in almost everything in life, there's always a catch. Back when I started out with upromise, 529s were all the rage. It sounds good, reasonable and flexible enough. I contribute to 529s for the kids' future education, which grows tax free.
So, I signed up, and over the years, I've accumulated a modest balance with upromise. I never did anything with the balance, or directed it to any 529s after I read the fine prints. That's because the choice of 529s from upromise was (and still is) so limited, and the fees are so high, that I don't think it'll ever worth the effort. Since my purchase never contributes significant amount to upromise year on year, I reckon just the account maintenance fees of those 529s alone are enough to wipe me out in a few years.
The balance continues to sit there, with occasional injection from purchases from supermarkets. I used to have a upromise credit card that gave me 1% contribution to the balance, but since I've decided that I'm not going to do anything with this balance, I canceled the upromise credit card, and got another credit card that gives me 1%-5% cash back (yes, cash!).
As the financial market unfolds (since the subprime mortgage mess brought everything to its knees), I'm somewhat taken by surprise the silver lining in it all. As I watch my 401k (and the broader stock markets) lost 50-60% of the value, it dawns on me that, it turns out to be a very good decision not to have invested my upromise balance to the 529s. If I had invested the balance, not only will I have to feed the 529 funds with account fees, but I would have lost at least 50% of that balance. Some nine years on, it turns out that, I was winning out by not investing and sitting on my hands (and cash), however modest the balance might be.
I'm sure upromise loves me though. I let them keep my money, with no interest paid to me.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
On racial profiling and the Harvard professor arrest...
I've been busy lately, and haven't had time to write much to the journal. I read in the news about the Harvard professor who is black and was arrested in his own home. But I guess the circus is going on for far too long, and I have to jog down some of my thoughts.
Perhaps a little disclaimer is in order. I'm an ethnic minority female. I work in a field (IT) where 95% of my colleagues are male. So, I should know (or feel) a bit about racial profiling and discrimination.
The curious thing about my background and my experience is that, I never experience any (racial profiling and discrimination of any kind) so far. Should I count myself lucky? Maybe. I do believe though, that a main reason for that lack of unpleasant experience is due in large part of how we make it.
Having attained professorship at Harvard, I would not doubt that this black gentleman is an upright, hardworking and intelligent man. So, if he puts himself in the shoe of the policemen who responded to 911 calls, or the shoe of his equally upright neighbors who mistook him and his drivers as burglars (when they tried to ply the locks of his front doors to get in), what would this professor have done? If it's indeed a genuine burglary attempt, would he have wanted the police to be forceful, and not be fooled by some con men who have gained entry into his home? I would think not.
It's certainly very true that, once he showed his driving license (with proof of his address) and ID, the police should leave him alone. But the police had arrested him not on burglary attempt, but on disorder conduct. That makes a world of difference to me. If the professor has dealt with it calmly, rather than jumping up and down about some policemen responding to his neighbors' report of sighting of burglary attempt, the cops would probably have gone out of the door in no time. But you know, if I put myself in the policemen's shoe, facing his yelling male, I would probably have handcuffed him too.
Does it really have mattered, that the professor's attire looks upright (slack and all)? If the policemen left him alone because he dressed nicely, would he cry foul too, that the discrimination too, because he looks to have money in his pocket?
The bottomline is, alot of the events like this, championed by Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, look to me more like storm in a teacup. It's quite likely that I (and my credibility) would be attacked too, for not yelling for an apology from the police to this professor. Oftentimes, I came across minorities (alot of them black, unfortunately) are stuck in this mentality that they are subject to discrimination and profiling.
Sometimes when I walk in my neighborhood and I come across some young black males in extremely baggy pants, I would stand on guard a bit more. Every time I do that mental calculation though, I ask myself if I'm doing subconscious racial profiling. But when I look at the local newspapers, 80-90% of the robbery and burglary arrests were young black males. That leads me to wonder, should racial profiling be a police tool? Naturally, if the racial profiling becomes a "blanket" statement to target everyone in that racial group, that's discrimination. But I don't see the issue of heightened alert to some demographic groups that are more prone to crime. Naturally, that does not negate the fact that there are many more upright citizens in those demographic groups who should be left alone.
Perhaps a little disclaimer is in order. I'm an ethnic minority female. I work in a field (IT) where 95% of my colleagues are male. So, I should know (or feel) a bit about racial profiling and discrimination.
The curious thing about my background and my experience is that, I never experience any (racial profiling and discrimination of any kind) so far. Should I count myself lucky? Maybe. I do believe though, that a main reason for that lack of unpleasant experience is due in large part of how we make it.
Having attained professorship at Harvard, I would not doubt that this black gentleman is an upright, hardworking and intelligent man. So, if he puts himself in the shoe of the policemen who responded to 911 calls, or the shoe of his equally upright neighbors who mistook him and his drivers as burglars (when they tried to ply the locks of his front doors to get in), what would this professor have done? If it's indeed a genuine burglary attempt, would he have wanted the police to be forceful, and not be fooled by some con men who have gained entry into his home? I would think not.
It's certainly very true that, once he showed his driving license (with proof of his address) and ID, the police should leave him alone. But the police had arrested him not on burglary attempt, but on disorder conduct. That makes a world of difference to me. If the professor has dealt with it calmly, rather than jumping up and down about some policemen responding to his neighbors' report of sighting of burglary attempt, the cops would probably have gone out of the door in no time. But you know, if I put myself in the policemen's shoe, facing his yelling male, I would probably have handcuffed him too.
Does it really have mattered, that the professor's attire looks upright (slack and all)? If the policemen left him alone because he dressed nicely, would he cry foul too, that the discrimination too, because he looks to have money in his pocket?
The bottomline is, alot of the events like this, championed by Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, look to me more like storm in a teacup. It's quite likely that I (and my credibility) would be attacked too, for not yelling for an apology from the police to this professor. Oftentimes, I came across minorities (alot of them black, unfortunately) are stuck in this mentality that they are subject to discrimination and profiling.
Sometimes when I walk in my neighborhood and I come across some young black males in extremely baggy pants, I would stand on guard a bit more. Every time I do that mental calculation though, I ask myself if I'm doing subconscious racial profiling. But when I look at the local newspapers, 80-90% of the robbery and burglary arrests were young black males. That leads me to wonder, should racial profiling be a police tool? Naturally, if the racial profiling becomes a "blanket" statement to target everyone in that racial group, that's discrimination. But I don't see the issue of heightened alert to some demographic groups that are more prone to crime. Naturally, that does not negate the fact that there are many more upright citizens in those demographic groups who should be left alone.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
On how much a Masters Degree actually worths...
The New York Times article on how much a Masters Degree is worth is timely, given the recent upward trend of enrollment to graduate schools, most likely due to people's desire to seek haven in academia while waiting out the economic storm, with others hoping to retool and/or to change direction in career.
It's also timely, because incidentally, I have started my Masters (computing) earlier this year. My goals have been quite different from those aforementioned. From time to time, I also like going back to school, to "rejuvenate", as it's mentally stimulating.
In my trade, relevant skill sets and experience count more than anything else in these days, that I don't think my newly minted Masters is going to do much to boost earning powers. In other words, I don't expect to use this Masters to either switch careers, or to give me a jolt up the corporate ladder.
It helps, that my employer is paying for the degree; hence all I have to commit, is the time and effort. That eliminates the angst of possible student loans, since I never intend to borrow money for my education. If I can't afford it, I'll work three part time jobs (as I did back then for my Bachelors Degree); but I don't like to take on debts. That's just me. I know that might not be possible for some people. I do believe, though, that when there is the will, there is a way.
I do agree with some of the comments in the article, about the fact that some Masters Degree does nothing more than decorating one's resume. I suppose, on top of the mental stimulation, that's probably what it'll be worth to me. But I think if/when I start my own business, that resume boost could come in handy. It's not a bad thing to be an alumnae of a prestigious school. At least I can use the facilities. :)
I like multi-tasking. Back then, I would work multiple part time jobs, while I juggled with my study in college. I like being busy. Doing the Masters now, when I've had family and young kids, plus a full time job, take on a whole new meaning of "being busy" and multi-tasking. I've been grateful that my husband is very understanding and supportive. Without his help at home, I don't think I can focus on the various tasks that I need to do daily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I must add a word on supportive spouse. Even though women take up half of the working population, I find that there is still undercurrent that alot of men wish to remain main (albeit not sole) breadwinner. I guess that gives them the power, confidence, some air of authority, and a jolt in the male ego. I have come to realize that, this kind of attitude applies mostly to those men who are not very confident about themselves, to start with. Hence, there is this sublime context that the guys have to somehow earn more than their wives, in order to "be the man."
I'm glad and grateful my husband is not like that. He's very comfortable of himself. He doesn't have the need to compete with me. Afterall, my alma mater (for both bachelors and masters) are not in the same "league" as his PhD (from MIT), which he doesn't seem to give a damn about brand-named schools.
And he's totally comfortable with the fact that I earn more than he does. Afterall, he has long accepted the fact that I'll earn more in engineering (IT) than he does in science (research). He has since lost his interests in research, and moved onto his own venture.
Perhaps it's his willing sacrifice of his career that has allowed me to further mine. And he's totally comfortable with domestic duties and caring of the kids. It makes a whole world of difference to have at least one parent at home with the kids. That allows him time to work on his venture on the side as well.
I'm forever grateful, for the unconventional way of work-life arrangement we've had.
It's also timely, because incidentally, I have started my Masters (computing) earlier this year. My goals have been quite different from those aforementioned. From time to time, I also like going back to school, to "rejuvenate", as it's mentally stimulating.
In my trade, relevant skill sets and experience count more than anything else in these days, that I don't think my newly minted Masters is going to do much to boost earning powers. In other words, I don't expect to use this Masters to either switch careers, or to give me a jolt up the corporate ladder.
It helps, that my employer is paying for the degree; hence all I have to commit, is the time and effort. That eliminates the angst of possible student loans, since I never intend to borrow money for my education. If I can't afford it, I'll work three part time jobs (as I did back then for my Bachelors Degree); but I don't like to take on debts. That's just me. I know that might not be possible for some people. I do believe, though, that when there is the will, there is a way.
I do agree with some of the comments in the article, about the fact that some Masters Degree does nothing more than decorating one's resume. I suppose, on top of the mental stimulation, that's probably what it'll be worth to me. But I think if/when I start my own business, that resume boost could come in handy. It's not a bad thing to be an alumnae of a prestigious school. At least I can use the facilities. :)
I like multi-tasking. Back then, I would work multiple part time jobs, while I juggled with my study in college. I like being busy. Doing the Masters now, when I've had family and young kids, plus a full time job, take on a whole new meaning of "being busy" and multi-tasking. I've been grateful that my husband is very understanding and supportive. Without his help at home, I don't think I can focus on the various tasks that I need to do daily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I must add a word on supportive spouse. Even though women take up half of the working population, I find that there is still undercurrent that alot of men wish to remain main (albeit not sole) breadwinner. I guess that gives them the power, confidence, some air of authority, and a jolt in the male ego. I have come to realize that, this kind of attitude applies mostly to those men who are not very confident about themselves, to start with. Hence, there is this sublime context that the guys have to somehow earn more than their wives, in order to "be the man."
I'm glad and grateful my husband is not like that. He's very comfortable of himself. He doesn't have the need to compete with me. Afterall, my alma mater (for both bachelors and masters) are not in the same "league" as his PhD (from MIT), which he doesn't seem to give a damn about brand-named schools.
And he's totally comfortable with the fact that I earn more than he does. Afterall, he has long accepted the fact that I'll earn more in engineering (IT) than he does in science (research). He has since lost his interests in research, and moved onto his own venture.
Perhaps it's his willing sacrifice of his career that has allowed me to further mine. And he's totally comfortable with domestic duties and caring of the kids. It makes a whole world of difference to have at least one parent at home with the kids. That allows him time to work on his venture on the side as well.
I'm forever grateful, for the unconventional way of work-life arrangement we've had.
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