On tattle-telling...or not...

I read an article on whether to tattle-tell on your best friend's cheating other half. It's an interesting problem that I have the fortune of never having to face, neither the telling or the receiving end.

I sometimes wonder why it's such a hard decision. For me, it would always have a very easy choice, for I would definitely tell my friend, should I find out that his/her other half has not been faithful. I don't think I'll ever do otherwise, of keeping my mouth shut, while watching my friend getting cheated. That has always been me.

I was, thus, a little surprised when I learnt from my kids a short while back, on their recounting how their teachers were kind of reprimanding their classmates for tattle-telling on their classmates. To me, the kids were telling the truth, and were telling the teachers that their classmates were doing something wrong. But the teachers were telling them, they shouldn't tattle-tell, which completely goes against our advocating the kids to tell the truth and speak their minds. Naturally, how the truth is told, on top of what is told, has probably had alot to do with the impression that one is tattle-telling or speaking one's mind truthfully. Still, I don't think it's right. Surprisingly, when I talk to some friends about this, they told me that's how it's like, at least in this culture (in America). One would never have this problem in Asia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then, it occurred to me that I have not always been acting according to my own "style" (ie. speaking the truth). The incidence happened some years back, in my first job. One of the guys (let's call him G) who's on my team had been dating this girl (let's call her V) who worked in another department. The guy was divorced from his first wife who cheated on him. Eventually, his wife got custody of two boys (in grade school), married the guy whom she's been seeing. In between paying child support, and a taste in finer things in life (three piece suits, latest model fast cars, etc), he declared bankruptcy, even though his salary and he remained single was well in six figure. At the time, V considered G to be quite a catch. A few things between V and G matched, including height (both less than 5'1"), religion (Catholics), ethnicity (Italian), and jobs (decent white collar jobs). At the time when V told us that she's seeing G, we were all kind of taken aback, since G never showed much affection to V. But they're doing this dining-out-once-or-twice-a-week thing, and V thought they're going steady. V even considered going long term and serious with G, and propositioned marriage to G, which G always deferred, citing that he couldn't have annulled his first marriage. So things dragged on.

And dragged on, it did. At the time, G had been driving cross states every weekend to see his kids. We all lauded his devotion to his kids. But soon we the colleagues realized that there's more to it, even without G explicitly saying so. It turned out, G was seeing the mother of his two kids' classmates in school, who was estranged from her husband and was trying to get a divorce. G started putting her pictures all over his desk (so everyone could see...everyone except V, that is). G would portrait this new girlfriend of his as a glamorous air-hostess who could get him free companion tickets that they could fly to places.

For all of those who worked with G, we were all disgusted privately. But no one spoke up, or spoke to V, not even a hint to tell her to be more aware. All the while, V was thinking how devoted G had been, driving to another states to see his kids, when he was actually driving over to see his new gf.

2+ years came and went. His new gf's divorce was finally in place, and G decided to quit the job and moved out of state. G initiated the breakup, citing better job prospect in the other state. V again propositioned that she could go with him (and married him). G said no, again citing the fact that he could not have remarried due to the impossibility to get an annulment. After much tears from V, G was gone.

I didn't know who eventually spilled the beans, but eventually V realized that G moved and left her, not because of jobs or his kids, but because he wanted to marry another woman. Within a year, G got the annulment, and was remarried. V was utterly disillusioned. She was asking us, those who had been around both of them, of why none of us ever spoke up. One of the girls told her, we couldn't have said anything, since it's between the two of them. All we could have hoped for, was that V would one day woke up, and find out by herself. But, she never did.

The disillusionment had been hard on V. She realized G had lied to her all along (about their going steady; about the impossibility of annulment; about the impossibility of marriage). She's a modest, humble person, and she's been blaming herself for not being smarter. But one time, when a few of us girl-pals went out to chit-chat, she mentioned that she had been fooled by G, possibly because she was getting "desperate", desperate because she's in her 30s and was still single, and in her large Italian family, an old maiden is not a welcome state. Of course, we know 30s is really the new 20s, but in some culture, that would never do.

Thinking back, I know I would not have tattle-tell because I had not been very close to V, even though we worked quite closely as a team.

As an epilogue, V remarked that G was doing what his first wife did to him (ie. cheated on him), although G was the third rail, this time around. V had harbored the vengeful hope that one day, the same thing would happen to G again, and he'll go bankrupt again. That would likely be so, given that he would now have to support not two but four kids (2 from his own former marriage, and 2 from his new wife's prior marriage). That could well be so, and that would certainly be poetic justice for V.