On politically incorrect parenting...

The other day, I caught up with a parent of one of the kids' classmates, and had a pretty long chat. Incidentally, I read this article too, on the almost politically incorrect parenting, and thought maybe I should jog down a few thoughts in the heat of the moment.

When I was growing up, my dad never raised his voice. While he's a mild-tempered guy, I've always speculated that the main reason is that, he never really has the chance. Not that me and my siblings are bad kids, but my dad has been working 14-16 hours a day, and he probably sees us only on our best behavior. So, he never has the need to raise his voice.

My mom, on the other hand, is a different matter. She's a stay-home mom, taking care of five kids, 24x7, 365 days a year, child-rearing non-stop. In all my childhood, I have only rare memory of playing or chit-chatting with my parents. The oft memory of my parents are their incredible work ethics, because they are always so very hard-working. The waking hours of my mom are all spent tending to us: walking us to/fro school, grocery shopping, cooking, doing dishes, ironing, cleaning, the list goes on. Just talking about the laundry-list of how my mom's day was like is a quite mouthful, that can tire you out already, not to mention actually doing it (as she did back then).

As my mom was also so busy doing chores, she has very little patience for arguments or things that go out-of-line. I'm, by nature, very head-strong and upfront about things. It's only natural that my mom and I have had big fights. When I was younger (probably before 13 or 14), I would get beaten up by mom for not listening to her. As I got older and a bit more mature, I tend to mellow down some, reducing the chance of having fights with her.

I remember I used to get really angry with her after each fight, condemning myself that I must not have been her real daughters, or else she would not have beaten me up like that. Thinking back, it's actually not so bad, since she has a rule, that she would never hit us in the head or body. She never used hard object for beating, opting for those elastic bamboo sticks that most traditional Chinese parents favor. Boy, I can tell you they leave big wedges and hurt like hell; but they don't really leave any scars after a day or two, and they don't leave any permanent damage.

Since I don't like being beaten up, I don't like to hit my kids either. Sure, I would raise my voice, or even yell at them to listen up, I rarely raise my hands. (There were probably couple of times when it has to come down to spanking, but I really hated doing it on my kids.) My husband does not agree with my philosophy. While he himself hates the beating in his childhood, he has come to see that as a useful child-rearing tool, to bring kids back in line. His philosophy almost goes hand-in-hand with what's said in the article. From his perspective, I'm like a toothless tiger (or dog) - it's all bark and no action.

Sometimes I agree with him; sometimes not. He used to wack the kids when they're young and don't listen. These days, the kids are pretty much conditioned to be afraid of him. And all parents know, that fear is a powerful tool. When the kids are scare, you'll get immediate actions, to bring them back in line.

Having said that, I've always had doubts. While effective, is his way (of making the kids afraid of him) the only way of parenting? Naturally not. I've always believed there are other ways and means. Sometimes when I look at other parents in school, particularly alot of American parents, they seem to be so calm and cool, and the kids would listen. I have always wondered how they did it. It's funny that, when I was talking about to that parent in my kids' school, she was wondering out loud of the same puzzlement. She was saying, other Japanese parents really admire the American way.

But then, as we're parents ourselves, we know for a fact that no parent will complete their child-rearing years without raising their voice. This parent I was talking to, she's very mild-mannered and soft-spoken. One would never be able to imagine how she would raise her voice in any foreseeable situations. So, you can imagine how surprised I am, when she confesses to me that she does that so often at home. The main angst came from her youngest child who has developmental delays. While she's very understanding and is learning the rope, patience can wear thin at times. What makes matter worse is that, her husband would question and almost criticize her for yelling. In response, she's telling him, if he would "do something," then maybe she wouldn't need to bear all the brunt to do all the yelling. THEN, maybe he would understand more where she's coming from, of why she's yelling, or feels the need to yell to get some results from the kids.

I guess that's the power of "support group." While I don't regret the way I rear my kids, I have always had wonders, as to how the other parents "did it." Guess what the response from this parent is? She said, "I don't believe it." As she sees it, sure the parents will put on the best behavior and face to it when they're in public. But she does not believe it one bit, that they're always in such good behavior and manner when they're at home, behind closed doors. And you know what, I agree with her.

Not that there's anything good or bad about it. As parents, we do what we can for the kids. I just wish that the kids would not periodically ask me to divorce their father, simply because they're afraid of him, and they don't want to go home when he's around. (Now that they're getting older, they have this concept of divorce already. Have I planted the wrong seeds in their head??)