On the loss of appeal of divorce...

I read the other day an interesting article on NYTimes, on the loss of appeal in divorce by the recent generations.

Amid the observation, that the divorce rate among well-educated couples are going down, even though it's relatively easy to get divorce these days. There's so much psycho-analysis on what went through the women's mind, when they come to the conclusion that they want out. But a few points stand out to me.

I read this with personal interest because I've gone through some of the same internal thought process in the past myself, when my marriage hits some low points.

Here, we're talking about women with means, oftentimes women with career. In any case, alimony from a well-to-do ex-husband could have sustained these women and their kids, should they go down the path of divorce. So, let's jump to the assumption that financial concerns are not the major factor in the discussions.

Much was said about these women, and men, who want to keep the family intact, for the sake of the children, are actually very true. At least the same thing has gone through the minds of myself and my husband. We want to do the best for the kids. While much was also said, that if the divorced parents hold up the family traditions together, be civic and what not, it won't impact much to the kids, this argument/suggestion is so half-hearted and lame. It's almost like, saying out loud the half truth enough times might make it a reality. I personally feel that it's never the same when the kids see the parents separate, particularly when they're younger than teen years. So, let's face it, to say that it won't impact the kids, and the adults do whatever they see fit and convenient, is more for the adults. It's really just a justification for the actions (divorce) that the adults take, in order to make themselves feel better (that divorce has no impact to kids as long as the parents spend holidays together, for example).

Childrearing is hard. Even if money is not the issue, and we (the mothers) can get outside help on looking after the kids, it's not the same as sharing the duties and concerns and worries with our spouse/partner. The fact and value that we have a partner to share the pain and pleasure with cannot be underestimated at all. That's why I have tremendous respect for single mothers, because I can appreciate how hard it must be, to make it work.

On another side of the coin, I'm not so sure about the stigma of divorce on women, particularly in this day and age. I have no doubt that in some society and community, the stigma that they fail somehow in making the marriage work, can be high. Personally, that's probably the least of my concerns when I was contemplating the idea of divorce during the low points of my marriage. I thought the peer pressure thing would work mostly in teenage years, not women with established life and career in their 30s and 40s. If those women (and mothers) let the others, their peers in the park, babies in tow, influence them that greatly, one way or another, then they're really quite weak. I have very little patience for weak-minded people, albeit politically incorrect to utter it out loud.

And then, the article mentions this notion that women tend to feel the "freedom" (You go, girl!) when they become divorced, going back to the singles dating scene. I'm, like, really? seriously? That would probably the last thing I want, to go back to the singles dating scene. Do women really see more success in Jennifer Aniston (the gorgeous, single, childless 40-year-old who serial dates but never has a steady relationship for longer than a few year since the implosion of her Brad-Pitt thing?), or Angelina Jolie (the equally gorgeous, married, 30+ year old who have big families, alot of kids, and a loving husband whom she shares joy and sorrow with)?

I know, I know. this is such a hot topic, the Aniston-Jolie feud. Then again, Aniston should have been over with and moved on from her break-up with Pitt. Afterall, it's been, what, more than 6 years ago, for goodness sake. But as much as Aniston tried to diffuse the subject, blaming Pitt as philanderer and Jolie as a homewrecker, there's more than an ounce of truth, that kids and extended families can help gel a couple's relationship, which invariably will move through stages in life, from love and passion, to becoming life partners. Personally, however gorgeous I might still look, I'm not sure if I want to drag my 40-year-old body out there every night partying and bar-hopping to find another partner.

I don't want to disparage Aniston or anyone who goes through divorce. I honestly don't. Afterall, everyone's situation is unique, and I'd want to avoid casting the first stone. It would, however, be tremendously helpful to other women, if we, for one, are honest to ourselves, about what works and what doesn't, and the motivation that drives us one way or the other.

As to my own marriage, most of those arguments during the low point of our marriage came from difference in opinion in childrearing. Interestingly, as time goes on, and as the kids get bigger, we have come to see that we have more similarities than differences in our approaches (eg. a stricter versus more relaxed parenting style). If one comes to appreciate the pros and cons of different appraoches, while keeping an open mind, it could go a long way.

I know, I know. It takes two to tango too. Oftentimes, divorce has nothing to do with the women, but the men have simply drifted apart/away. In those cases, hey, you do what you need to do. If divorce is what it comes down to, so be it.