In Asia, no one expects the woman to change her name upon marriage. Like the Chinese, people would call you Mrs so-and-so (the husband's last name), or add the Husband last name to the full name of the wife. But it's all that's for - during greetings and social interactions. Nothing is necessary on papers.
My first encounter on how strongly the West feels about this issue was some years back, when a friend of mine was getting married. She's marrying to an very open-minded guy. She wanted to keep her last name; he had no problem with that at all. But of course, there's always problem. And the problem was the in-laws (to be). Both in-laws felt so strongly that their future daughter-in-law was to carry their family name, that they refused to attend their wedding. In fact, the in-laws even threatened to disown the son for marrying a woman who wouldn't change her last name to bear the husband's last name. The in-laws and the son had stopped all communications.
Both being grad students at an Ivy League at the time, the couple didn't agree with the in-laws. The guy sided with the wife. They decided to live their own life. The way the husband saw it was that, he felt no animosity against his own parents, but he didn't agree with their position. He said, they (his parents) would just have to deal with it, because this is his wife, not theirs. If they wanted to make up, they know how to find him (he's studying/working on campus anyways). If not, so be it.
Such as the way it should be.
So, this morning, when I read this column on Wall Street Journal about the big fuss of name change again, that incident of my friend came rushing back to me. Almost two decades later, it still baffles me.
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Perhaps I was lucky not to have to confront with such issues. I do have some appreciation on how much a hassle a name change involves.
I've always kept the same name that my parents gave me. I always thought, this is the name my parents gave me, and this is who I am. Socially, people know me by my English name, but on papers, I've always kept my ethnic name. That does come with its own difficulty. My ethnic name is rather hard to pronounce, and others always mistake my name as a guy's name. I always find it amusing, when I see mass-marketers mix-and-match my name and my husband's name this way and that, butchering us to make up one identities. Sometimes, he would have my last name; sometimes, I would have his last name; sometimes, my middle name (from my ethnic name) would become my first or last name; same goes with my husband. I don't care about junk mails, but when it's things like tax records, or bank details, and some such, it's not so funny.
Finally, couple of years ago, I decided to bite the bullet. Rather than having someone butchered my name for me, I would add some clarity to it. After using my English informally (or sometimes doing double-quote my English name, to denote it as my nickname) for more than two decades now, I've decided that this name should become part of my permanent fixture. I've decided to take it up as English name, then putting my regular ethnic name as my middle name, and my last name would stay the same. My parents have no issue with it at all. My husband is all for it.
One morning, I went to the City Hall to enquire about it, and was referred to the court house (where all the personal and public records were kept). When I announced my intention to change name (which I thought should be fairly straightforward) to the clerk, she asked me if I filled out the form yet. I said no; and was given a fairly simple form to fill...except that it requires the signature of my husband!!! I asked the clerk, why do I need my husband's signature (ie. approval) for a name change. I was told, that's the law - when a married woman wants a name change, it has to have the husband's signature (as if he's her legal guardian or something). I asked her, would the husband need the wife's signature if he changes his name? The answer was no.
I must tell you, I'm more than mildly annoyed about this. I'm an adult with good standing on my own right. Why do I need to get someone else's signature to signify my actions, one way or the other, simply because I'm married to a man? I took the form and went home. I was still seething about the injustice of it, on how men and women are treated.
While my husband understands and sympathizes it all, his philosophy is, let's get it over and done with, then we won't have to worry about it, even though it won't solve any of the underlying injustice, which is a fight for another day.
I finally relented, signed the damn form, with the grudging approval seal of husband's signature on it. The rest went through relatively painlessly. I submitted the signed form, paid the small fee, and got the name change certificate rightaway. To be sure, there're hassles to be had (ie. change all the names on ALL the documents and papers). All in all, it probably took me close to a year, before I finally change my name on everything, including some obscure docs that I rarely remember.
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Looking back, I won't force the requirement of name change on anyone at all. To the customs and traditions of bride taking up the groom's last name, I'd say, it's long overdue to update such outdated customs. There is no need to "brand" the wife in such offensive way as to claim her as his. If the wife wants to be branded, fine; if not, it should be her personal choice. No one should ever be forced upon to make such decision as to change one's own identity. Period.
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