I was profoundly moved by the opinion piece in New York Times today about a mother whose child suffers a genetic disorder with no cure and which is certain to see a premature passing. Sometimes, as Steve Jobs had famously noted in his 2005 Stanford commencement speech, as was the Last Lecture Series by the late Randy Pausch, knowing that death is imminent can be the most powerful catalyst to jolt one into focus and set the life priorities straight. As in the case of the mother whose focus is on yo here-and-now on the well-being of the child, without any possibility of hopes, dreams, and future that regular parents would have expected from their children.
In a way, it's almost like committing to a pet like dogs and cats, that you know for certain that you'll outlive the pets. In a finite amount of time (maybe 12-15 years), you'll have to say farewell to the beloved pets, sometimes even having to make the painful decision of putting the animals down in order to lessen the animals' pain. I know, because I used to have a dog when I was little. I love my dog, even though I had not done a good job training him. As a result, he's a wild one, even biting me on numerous occasions; though I never came to blame him. My love for him is irrevocable. Talking about blind puppy love...
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When I talked to her a while back, she's glowing about their Ivy League prospect, plus the chance for their kids to start networking - yes, networking! - when they start middle/high school. I thought at the time, Omigod, is this really happening; parents pushing for kids to do that? She makes that Tiger Mom in Amy Chua sounds lame. Having both coming from Asian backgrounds, there must be something in there somewhere.
This time around, things sound a shade different. Sure, there's still the glowing remarks of difficult schoolwork and assignments, critical thinking, and what-not. But in an arms race when every other kid in the school would look for some competitive edge, any competitive edge, it's not enough to just let people know your kids getting admitted to the school. The kids used to be straight A's in regular classes; they now suddenly realize that they are B+, at best, when they get in advance placements. Sure, they play some sport; but every kid in school play sports. Same goes with playing musical instruments. The kids feel bummed-out in the advanced classes because the other kids obviously are either super-smart, or they have had outside tutorials that have already taught them all the materials in the advanced classes.
These days, how do you stand out in a crowded, highly competitive field for Ivy League when straight A's + sports + music + community service + working on school newspaper, are no longer enough. And now, they can't even guarantee their straight A's anymore. The kids are stressed out; as is her husband. But she perseveres. Afterall, they have sunk so much money and time in this private school, they can't possibly quit at this point. Last but not least, her argument (more to herself) is that, it's such a tough school to get admitted, they can't possibly just give it up.
She cited some anecdotal evidence that some Ivy League schools might be within reach. Afterall, there was one kid who was in an Intel finalist, that got early admission to every schools that he applied, except Harvard. (He flunked the interview.) He ended up going to MIT. But how many Intel finalists did this school ever have? (She didn't say.)
And then there is the networking aspect which was considered valuable to her. Here, she cited one of the snobbish kids who, on prompt of where he lives, emphasized that he lives in a specific part of town that is most exclusive part, in case anyone hasn't already noticed. Such snobs are the ones that her kids are to network with. Surely there are nicely and more civil ones, but to think of a school populated by rich, entitled kids, it's not very inspiring.
Long story short, she and her husband will just have to stick with it for the long haul, and so will their kids (I truly feel sorry for them). As she has rightly noted, if the kids have not gone to this expensive private schools, she can probably retire by now. That might be so; but such was a path and journey that she embarks on, just as Amy Chua has noted in her stupid Tiger Mom book. She can't possibly expect much sympathetic words. (I can't come up with any.)
Oh, by the way, she has already whitelisted some of the professions that she doesn't want her kids to take on. Just thinking of the mental list that she has to keep score with is already too exhausting for me.
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Looking at the juxtaposition of the conversation with my colleague's parenting decisions and woes, and the New York Times article of a mother mentally and physically preparing for the eventual death of her child, the effect is chilling to me.
While regular parents like us can't be letting the kids do whatever, with abandonment, I'm always mindful of not imposing too much of my hopes and dreams on my kids. They have their lives to live. I remember there're times when they ask me what I would like them to be. I told them, it matters not what I want, and I turn the table and ask them what they want to do instead. While basic life skills and discipline have to be imposed upon them, if they are independent and mature enough to make wise choices, and to pursue their dreams with conviction, I would have considered my job as a parent complete.
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