On "lean in" and the false promise to "have it all"...

There are certain unspoken expectations of women in our society. Women are supposed to be supportive of other women. It's supposed to be a sisterhood. We're not supposed to speak ill of other women. In a male-dominated career, women are particularly expected to stand by each other, no matter what. To do otherwise, to think otherwise, is almost unthinkable.

I don't generally think of my colleagues along gender lines. Maybe I've been incredibly lucky to have colleagues throughout the years who are always professional, courteous, genteel, collegiate...well, except a small handful of unpleasant ones. In general, men and women alike, they have been good co-workers.

I'm forever grateful to have a spouse who is supportive of me, my career choice, a new-age man who takes more than his fair share of household chores and child-rearing duties, thereby allowing me the flexibility and energy to stay on the career path without having ever to consider stepping off to start a family. I never have to even ask, and he'll take his own initiatives.

I've always been the outspoken kind, never shy about expressing opinions. I don't take shit, I don't suffer fools, and can just as easily and readily jab others with jest. When I see an opportunity, I would not hesitate to take it. (Talking about snap judgment.) Over the years, that kind of almost fearlessness has served me well.

As I get older, I'm more aware of other people outside of my own bubbles. I have not realized how incredibly blessed I have been, having a supportive spouse and family, all those around me - particularly the kids - are healthy, even just having someone who is willing to take a chance on me over the years in career. I've taken so much for granted, I have not noticed there are many people who would never have that kind of luck and blessings.

(I mention luck because, let's face it, I can be clever and I'm hardworking, but I don't think I'm super-smart. There are many more people who work much harder than I do. I don't think I would achieve what I have so far, even by the sheer luck of being at the right place, at the right time.)

Why all these introspection? Well, it all started with the Lean In book that came out in 2013. It's much hyped when it came out. At one point, I checked it out to see what all the fuss is about. I find the book so irritating and passive-aggressive, I couldn't make myself finish it. I do have to give it credit that it's not as irritating as that Tiger Mom book which is so freaking off-putting, I couldn't make myself to finish even half of it.

What are some of the choice words for these books by these women? Condescending, patronizing, passive-aggressive, narcissistic.

What's the purpose of the Tiger Mom book but for the author to self-congratulate herself to have succeeded in squeezing her daughter into Harvard, having gone through constant fights and struggles to hover - well, this is a huge understatement - over kids. To hear her tell it, it's childrearing, sprinkled with references to her fine lineage (even a fine nose, no less!) to reminder readers that she herself is a good-looking woman.

And then there is Lean In. The supposed self-help book to "teach" other women how to improve themselves in order to move ahead in career. Hey, it's not hard, all you have to do, is to lean in. What the author conveniently leaves out from the pages, is the money she has in the bank, and already high-paying jobs that both she and her then-husband have had, that she can have all the hired hands she needs in order to continue pursuing her career, and of course the luck of men giving her a break (Larry Summers, Mark Zuckerberg, to name the most notable ones).

These bone-headed female (I won't call it feminist) advice is not unlike the almost bragging of Marissa Mayer who talked of her going back to work shortly after childbirth (as if any women who consider not doing that, is self-sabotaging their own career or is not committed enough as the next guy over the cubicle).

What they have not realized, is the pampered bubble that they have created for themselves. By instructing other (young) women to lean in more, the message from Sheryl Sandberg is, "you are not leaning in enough as I do."  If you're not as successful or rich as she is now, it must be that you're not doing enough, or rather, not doing as well as I do, or worse yet, you're simply not good enough. The real message is really "look at how successful I am, and how well I'm doing."

Which is why Michelle Obama's new book and interviews are such a breath of fresh air. Instead of "look at my success" (as Sandberg and Chua and Mayer did), Obama empathizes with others by sharing her struggles. By simply acknowledging “It’s not always enough to lean in because that shit doesn’t work all the time,” that's exactly how all other women feel, me included.

And to hear Michelle Obama shatters that myth that women can have it all, that's really priceless. Why? Because we first have to acknowledge a problem before we can try to fix something. Women like Sandberg think they have it all figured out, is clueless without even realizing it. If a system is stacked up against you, your chance of success is infinitesimally small.

In a way, even if my life so far has had an almost mirrored shadow of Lean In, I refuse to pigeon myself as such. I would never in a million years lecture other women that my way is the shiny path to glory and success.