I thought I'm done with childrearing, now that my kids are grown now, and I'll do away with all the nonsense, white noise and all the lookie-here parents who think they have it all so figured out that they feel imperative to lecture on everyone else.
Yet, every time I come across the all the various parenting styles and hoopla, I can still find myself roiling. Just as I hate the label of tiger moms and helicopter parenting, I can't believe anyone would think that gentle parenting would work all the time, for all kids, even for the same kid as s/he is growing up.
There has never been ONE particular parenting style that works. We knew it because there are just as many children across all spectrum of temperaments as there are out there. If anything, broad styling - and I truly mean it when I say the word broad, in every sense of the word - is all well and good, but as every sensible parent will attest to it, that parenting and childrearing is one of adaption and flexibility. You can hold firm on principles (eg. no corporal punishment), but it should come as no surprise to anyone that a parent would switch between different styles even within the span of a single day. The younger the child, the more adaptive a parent has to be.
By being adaptive, I don't mean to have the parents giving in to every whim of the kids, or not giving in to their demands. Surely most parents would want to have a sweet-tempered, mild-mannered child that is compliant, sensible, considerate, understand, asserting their will without throwing a tantrum, allowing negotiation to take place. For the lucky few (parents), the child is born this way, and I congratulate you. For the rest of us, the child would have to either learn it, be taught with it, or - god forbids - be made to stick to it.
Of course there is the family dynamics and circumstances that differ from one household to another. If you're not working 2-3 jobs that mandate you to stick to well-timed routines, if you have an understanding and cooperative spouse who is also firm and mild-mannered, if you have the financial wherewithal to buy as much help you need, if you have extended families or support network that allow you some downtime to rest and not be tired all the time, I salute you. But, not everyone can afford that kind of circumstances which are a luxury to some, and an impossibility to others.
Heaven forbids, if you turn out to have a kid with special needs, you can throw all the parenting styling guidelines out of the window.
Just because someone has the good fortune to get their child into an elite college, it's hardly any affirmation that their parenting style is for everyone. I was thus understandably pissed - yes, very pissed - when I read that Tiger Mom book (Amy Chua). In fact I was so angry at her caricature that I threw the book away, half way into it. People like her, would want everyone to believe that her way is the only way to rear a child all the way to Harvard. Is there the only way? Absolutely not. In one broad stroke, she has smeared every parent of Asian descent as if they are as crazy as she is. People like her, they want to assert their opinions so as to claim superiority over everyone else. It's as simple as that.
Now that my kids are in college, and my childrearing days are long behind me, it's high time for introspection. Some days, I'm agitated; other days, I'm calm. I would never claim my style is for everyone. Having a supportive spouse matters. Being able to rest myself (so that I'm not tired and stressed out all the time) matters a great deal too. Every child has their own needs, and we do need to observe closely. My eldest child turns out to be hyperactive when he was in grade school. Strict parenting style would have resorted to corporal punishment, but we lucked out, to have him found a passion (and some talent too) in a sport that helps to expense his excess energy, building up the self-confidence along the way. My other child finds her passion in music all on her own, though her self-confidence comes more slowly and gradually.
That being said, kids don't normally like practice. And if they let them do whatever, then it's more likely than not that you'll never get anything from them. It's only natural, to see low expectation breeds low performance. Practicing something - even something that they like to do and of their own choosing - is a matter of coaxing, positive, even some negative reinforcement. Although I never like or use corporal punishment, I can understand why some parents might resort to it because, let's face it, full time parenting is more than a full time job. It's less stressful when I'm at work than when dealing with my kids in their younger days. When you're short on time and fuse, strict adherence ("Just Do It!") is the fastest way to get things done (for parents anyways). Sunny-day scenario is, the kids learn to stick to the routines, and the parents learn to be more relaxed. How long that would take, how much give-and-take will be involved, and how easy/difficult that might be, is anyone's guess.
The first child is always the guinea pig. The reason why are so many self-proclaimed gurus pushing their parenting style, is that there are as parenting is mostly on-the-job training. I recall how much more stressed I was with my firstborn, but became far more relaxed with my second child. Even routines like care-and-feeding, schooling, even how to deal with others (including - alas! - how to push back on every parenting advice that everyone around me was so keen to give that the only thing I ever felt was, I'm not good enough as a parent, which is far from the truth). So, to hell with all those parenting gurus.
People often learn first-hand from their own parents (and the parenting style that they're brought up with). Some augment that with books, and observation of others. I do believe that everyone has to blaze their own trails somehow. While this might not be THE great advice that some might want to hear, but it's true. Trust yourself and your instinct. Observe closely, not just at the verbal but non-verbal cues, and be willing to try different methods, and see which one works (for both the parents and the child).
More important to me, is flexibility. Keep an open-mind, and be willing to give things a try with my kid, so as to arrive at something that works for my family as a whole. THAT is the key.
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