On the "happiness gap" between men and women...

The blog at New York Times on the Happiness Gap between men and women makes very interesting read.

What we do know is women are not that happy these days, compared to previous generations.

The blog mentions this "study" that shows a "happiness gap" between men and women, and that women are more unhappy than men. I would be very curious to find out the methodology, sample size, and the interpretation of the actual results, among other things of this "study", before I jump to a conclusion. No matter, people responding to the blog do (jump to the conclusion that the study *IS* indeed accurate and realistic). So, we see a lot of generalizations, caricatures, stereotypes, and implied feelings and meanings from the bloggers (based on their perceived notion on this topic, and their own experience and observations).

What we see is something like this:

Men's (mostly, based on their screen names which might not be truly reflective) responses...

(1) That women of the post-feminism era are whinners. They asked for more, and now they have the opportunites, they're having too much for them to chew for.

(2) That men don't sweat details, but women can get too hung up on details in life that they don't see necessary or important. (Case in point: Picking up socks scattered around the house, or dishes not stack in the right place or in the right way in the cabinet.) As a result, they don't bother cleaning up. The result? The women can't stand it, so they do it themselves, on top of all the chores and work they have to do. And they complain the men are lazy.

(3) Along the lines of (2), men don't do the things that women might deem important or necessary. However, they would do it, if they're asked to. But the women don't. Why? Cuz the women *think* the "men are lazy," so they don't bother asking. All the women should do is ask.

(4) The house-husbands or supportive partners postings to the successful career women/mothers are revealing. They acknowledge the ability of their wives, and are fully supportive of it (ie. do the chores, take care of the kids, be supportive, in general). They are happier than their own fathers since these men spent more of their time with childrearing, and are enjoying the quality time. The wives, on the other hand, are not happy still. While they might have the time with the kids after work etc, and they enjoy success at work, they would never be comparable to their own mothers who, in the previous generations' perfect world, are stay-home moms. However, they *do* want to go out and "use their brain power." So, while they might attend career success and family harmony, that falls short of their own "ideal" of perfect mothers.

Women's (again, based on screen names only, which can be deceptive) responses...

(5) There are so many guys who are *pigs* (the good-at-nothing couch potatoes), and too few good, straight men. They are lazy and won't help with chores and kids. Why do women have to do it all? "Of course I'm unhappy."

(6) "What're you talking about? I'm happy in life, being single and all." (Or substitute the word "single" with "single mom.")

(7) "Don't whine, girls. If you don't want babies, take the pills. Don't have the babies and then whine about all the work that follows."

(8) "I feel trapped" trying to beat the career path, and raising a family.

etc etc etc...


I work (the top 5% income bracket), and I have kids and husband. Over the years, here are what I learn from the process (and it's evolving still):

(a) Let's get the priority straight. The family (and the kids) comes first. Jobs and career come and go, but family is what stays with you for life.

(b) I don't think I'll be able to focus on my career, if my husband has not given up his. This is not some Asian countries like India or Thailand or Hong Kong, when it's cheap and easy to keep housemaids. (In those countries, it almost a given that you would have to have that, if you want to keep a 2-income family.) Well, something (or someone) has to give. In those countries, the maids are all-too-often poor mothers in their own countries (eg. Philippines) who have to forsake their own family care, in order to work for some other better-off families, allowing their masters and mistresses to continue their career paths.

(c) Along the lines of (b), with families usually so far apart in America, there is little extended family support either. So, one of us has to stay with the kids.

(d) I used to sweat the details too, which used to be one source of spousal arguments. (He would do the dishes, but for some mysterious reasons, would not put them in the dish holders. So the cleaned, wet, dripping dishes all ended up sitting on the counter, and I have to stack them away.) But he does take care of other things (eg. cooking, schooling). I learnt to do my part. I might be busy, but how hard is it to put the clean dishes away anyways?!? My tolerance level on messiness is getting higher too. When it gets to a point where I can't stand it, I tell him to clean up, and he will. Being messy is one thing, but I don't tolerate dirty stuffs.

(e) Learn to multi-task, and multi-task well. As a working mother, you have to do. Period.

(f) Learn to delegate. Everyone in the family has to pull their weight, including the kids. There is no servant here. When it's clean-up time, everyone does clean-up. Period.

(g) Be mindful of the psychological toll on the husband for giving up a career to stay home. Be creative. Think of some career move that your husband can do at home, so that he can control his schedule, and keep a link to the outside. It's good for his self-esteem as well.

(h) With all that's going on, the stay-home dad needs to learn to multi-task well as well. That's no other alternative.

(i) Be realistic. Ask yourself if you really, really want the romantic ideals of the bygone days, of stay-home moms. A lot of women (like myself) really do want, and need to work and stay active. If we waste away our brain cells staying at home for 14-15 years or so for the kids, and one day find the kids decide it's time they make out on their own, what are we to do? Ditto with the men/husbands. In this day and age, I strongly believe we (men and women) have to beat out our own path. Just following the footsteps and stereotypes of our parents is just not good enough. It took me some 10 years to come to that realization. We have to adjust our behavior, and expectations, and goals, in order to be happy.


I'm pretty happy with where we are now with the family. I do wish I have 36 hours a day, so that I can do more. While he's starting a venture from home, I want to start a separate venture of my own too, on top of the existing job. All these, while taking care of the kids, and enjoying time with them too. Oh, did I mention I want to do an MBA or follow a masters degree to enrich myself too? Hm...come to think of it, I wish I have 48 hours a day...