On whether women can have it all - babies and career...

It's an age-old question, which seems to ebb and flow through generations. The question is, of course, on whether women can have it all - babies and career. The feminist movement in the 1960s and 70s was perhaps most famous in liberating women from corsets, but it doesn't seem to have removed the self-doubt that most women still feel, as evident by the latest article that I read on the subject.

I feel quite strongly about it, because oftentimes, I feel that alot women unnecessarily subject themselves to the barrage of misinformation and opinions around them. Bit by bit, they take them in to their sub-conscience, about the idea that women should settle with a man, have babies at a certain age, have (or don't have) a career, etc etc.

Do we, as a collective female species, really feel such strong need to conform? And for those who defy the conventional wisdom of the bygone days, to go down the path in singleville, why is there often such regret?

Perhaps we should admit to it that by nature, most (but not all) of us female do feel the urge to have babies at some point. Surely, some women don't feel it, and that's perfectly ok. For those who would have otherwise chosen this path and have babies early, but have instead chosen to defer the decision, since the generations before us have fought so hard to liberate all females, so the argument goes, that one must take advantage of it, and make our stand. To have babies is almost like forfeiting a woman's rightful place in the career ladder. So, career now, babies later (or no baby at all).

Somehow, I never feel such a strong urge to make a stand. I didn't really feel the anxiety when I was approaching my own so-called used-by date at age 30. As the article has rightly pointed out, there will always be others around you, those who care for you, even, to project their own anxiety for and onto you, thinking that "omigod, you're almost 30; you should settle down and have a baby soon." I quite distinctly remember my own mother saying those words in not an uncertain way to me. Did I get bothered by it? Not really. I have made a decision to myself, that if I don't get married, I won't have babies. Period. You could say I'm old-fashioned; or however you want, but that's my position. So, if the Mr. Right doesn't come along, then there's life for me. I can accept that.

So then, it was toward my late 30s that my husband and I decided to either call it quit, and make our long-distance relationship real. We decided to give it a try. It's a big deal, but it's one that both parties have to come to the same understanding and be supportive to each other. I guess, it's at that point that one should realize it's no longer just a me-only decision in life anymore. Most, if not all, decisions will involve consultation, whether you like it or not. As a matter of fact, it was only a year or so ago, that I've decided to add my English name (that I've used for so long) onto my legal papers. But I found that I couldn't even do that, without the explicit consent and signature from my spouse. I thought to myself, what's up with that?!? But sometimes some things in life, that's what it takes.

We didn't actually have babies until some time later in marriage, that my husband dreams of babies. One time, he recalled a dream when he was holding a baby girl in his arms and he told me she was so cute. That's when we both knew we should give it a try. Like I said, I've always wanted babies; as a matter of fact, 4 would be a perfect number - 2 boys, 2 girls; so that neither the boys nor the girls will get lonely. My husband has noted that probabilities do not always work out exactly 50/50 in life. While I said it's "nice," it's never really a requirement for me.

After the birth of our second kid, we've decided that perhaps it would do for us. In a way, I know I would always have some regrets, for getting to that lucky number of 4, but so it should be.

All through these times, I've been working and never take any breaks from work (except maybe the couple of months of maternity leave). I've decided that I can't mentally handle being a stay-at-home mom. I know I got it easy, since my chosen profession, though male dominated, is very technical in nature. And surprisingly, the male dominated environment is full of new-age guys, alot of them around my age and have their own kids too, so that they fully understand how hard it is to be a mother, giving birth and all. There's never any question or concern at work about me bringing the baby to office, for as long as I can sort out daycare arrangements, or as long as my assigned tasks are all done, with no compromise in deadline or quality.

One could say, I got it easy, and I've got it all. I have my beautiful children; I get to keep my career; I can work from home to care for the kids; I can even squeeze time to work on my advanced degree for professional development.

Why am I saying all these? To all those female peers of mine, I can only say that, while it's alot of hard work, and it'll never be easy, but it can be done. Even if the others tell you that you can't have it all, it doesn't have to be so.

But, does it mean that you have to have it all, if you're more inclined to stay at home with your babies? To that, I'd say, why not? It's your decision, not Bill O'Reilly's or Jennifer Aniston's to make. But you have to will it to work.

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And then, there's the question of whether we need a man to have a baby, as the Aniston/O'Reilly spat so easily politicized. I'd say, O'Reilly is just a loud-mouthed jerk. I never paid any attention to what he says at any given time, who is always making big claims to get news headlines. But in this case, there's an ounce of truth in what he said. Can a woman make a baby all on her own? Scientifically, she can't, because she still needs a sperm; then again, neither can a guy alone (although they have much less inclination to want to have babies on their own). But when O'Reilly pointed this out in women's face, he's simply trying to put down the women, telling them how pathetic they are, for wanting a baby without getting a man. That reason alone is enough for me to despise him for a very, very long time.

Realistically, though, even if I can have a baby on my own (IVF or adoption), I'm not sure if I want to go through that. This has nothing to do with the need of a man or not, but it has to do with the support infrastructure that one can get. My immediate family, who are the ones I trust completely in this world, is not around me. Even as a professional woman with the wherewithal to get hired hands to take care of my babies, I don't think I'll take that as acceptable option. If I am to have babies, I have to get them my all. I cannot accept those women who would give birth to babies in a heartbeat, and not bothering taking good care of them. My husband shares the same view. So, between the two of us, we take care of our kids; not once did we ever use a babysitter or nanny. Again, one could say we get it easy, since we can both work from home. But like I said, when there is a will, there is a way.

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I should add one thing: I fully emphasize those who can't afford to it though, since alot of families (particularly women) who don't have the resources to even put food on the table.

Our family was poor when I was growing up. Like most strong Jewish or Italian mothers, my mom (Chinese) is very strong-willed, intelligent and shrewd in managing the household finance. She's the one whom I learn from, that I need to do long-term planning. Having babies is a life-long commitment. Without sufficient resources, my hands could be tied. I take her (and my dad's) work ethics to heart, and bought my own apartment for rental, two years out of college. That was a time when most of my classmates were still out partying after they got their first paychecks. My assets and investments continue to accumulate throughout these years, which allow me to not worry excessively about finance, although it's never too hard behind in my mind.

I must say too, that it's my mom who gave me this advice: Don't give up your career. One time, she told me, she would kill to have the kind of career opportunities that my sisters and I have. In her generations, women never have that kind of chances in career. As such, she has always been a stay-home mom. In a way, I know that's one of her regrets that she's hoping her daughters do not have to suffer. As we have got ahead in career, she can only advise me that, once I give it up, I might not be able to get it back, which is most certainly true, since that's exactly what happens to one of my sisters who used to be in management, yet is finding it so hard to get back into the profession after taking a break from work for some 6 years now, taking care of her children at home.

I've been ferociously accumulated assets and investments because I know one day I'll need them to sustain me. Although that day hasn't come yet, that kind of financial freedom is what eases my mind. That's what allows me to know that, even if it's busy and tough work, things can be done.