On the need to go out occasionally...

I have almost forgotten how relaxing it is to do outdoor sports. Ever since I have my kids, I don't think I have ever got out at all. Actually...come to think of it, I haven't been doing much outdoorsy things since high school.

So, it should have been fun to go kayaking with my kids today. While my son has tried it before, it's the first time for me and the little one. My husband is missing-in-action since I started a cold war of sort with him, on disagreement in disciplining kids. Strangely but sadly, I don't feel like I miss his presence. I'd rather be left alone, than to have to put up with his grumpy attitude. In fact, speaking of grouchiness, the occasional whining and fussing of my kids during the kayak trip had put a dent on my otherwise high spirit to the trip. Perhaps it's our first steps toward a very long separation, as customary to most Chinese couples, which is sadly but true. I must admit, when you catch me on a bad day, and I'm grumpy and grouchy too, I even have the urge to divorce him. If it's not for the kids, I probably would have taken that step already.

Granted that I understand kids being kids, they're bound to seemingly trivial things, and I have come to less tolerate their almost-civic disobedience when I tell them to do things. My daughter certainly knows how to press my hot buttons, by saying "I hate you" or "You are a bad mother" kind of things for mindless things, like I refuse to let her take all her layers off except a short sleeve since she just got off of a warm car, when it's 50F outside, and we're about to go on the kayaks and go out to river which will be even chillier, and there will be no clothes for her when she gets cold, which is a certainty.

Sometimes I do wonder to myself why I have to keep yelling at the kids to get them do things. Well, that's one complaint my husband has of me, which is that I don't discipline them well, hence the need to yell. But I do not subscribe to the notion of beating up kids in the name of discipline.

In any case, I had not realized how much I enjoy other different things, like looking at the waters, the oars making whirlpools when pedaling, trees with leaves falling on the river, and the geese flying off in the steel gray sky. It's a nice change of scene from working in front of my laptop all the time.